MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin defends his country’s military intervention in the Ukraine, including a recent shootout with nationalists on Easter Sunday outside an Eastern Ukrainian city in which three people were killed, stating that there are not nearly enough movies anymore in which the Russians fight against and ultimately lose to the hero.
This past February, the Russians forced the Ukrainian military into surrender, and now the blue and red of the Russian flag flies above the Ukrainian parliamentary, a move Putin claims is in response to the U.S making the North Koreans the villains in “Olympus has Fallen.”
“The North Koreans??? What even happens in that movie? Do they infiltrate the White House with muddy feet?” the President of the Russian Federation asked rhetorically.
Putin is convinced that the Russians are the perfect bad guy, and pointed to the fact that his people speak in a “cold, passionless language” and their facial features are often that of “ghastly specters” who have taken human form. He also insists that there’s just something about the Russian accent that makes normal everyday words like ‘cartwheel’ sound evil.
The April 20th shootout has shattered the West’s hopes of diffusing conflict between Ukraine and Russia. The leaders of the two countries had met just last week under the supervision of the U.S. and the E.U. in Geneva and hammered out a tentative agreement. While it seemed like, at the time, that Putin had come to his senses, it now appears Putin was just pretending to peacefully comply with international demands right before unleashing hell, carefully following the trajectory of conflict in every action movie ever.
The Russian president believes that many movies that have already been made could be improved upon if the Russians were cast in the role of the main antagonists.
“For instance, when I’m watching ‘Jurassic Park,’ the only way I can explain the velociraptors’ cunning is to think of them as spies for the KGB. And how creepy would it be if the wind in that ‘Winnie The Pooh’ story howled in a Russian accent when disturbing the sleepy inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood?”
Putin seemed defensive when reporters suggested to him that the Russians are still very often depicted as the bad guys, even in movies that have come out this year.
“I guess we were in that crappy movie with Chris Pine that just came out like a month ago,” laments Putin, referring to the new film “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.”
“But, like, so what?” Putin asked. “Did anyone even see that movie?”