SACRAMENTO, Calif. — The Sacramento Kings are about to pull off the biggest trade of the NBA season so far, sending all of the players and the entire franchise to Seattle for a new Starbucks.
“We think this is a tremendous deal for all Sacramento basketball fans, as well as all coffee lovers in our fair city,” said Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson, cautioning that the deal is not quite finalized yet and that the coffee can be very hot when it is first served. Johnson, who played for 12 years in the NBA and competed against the franchises from Seattle and Sacramento numerous times, explained that the deal is a win-win for Sacramento fans.
“It’s the Kings, people. The Kings. They’re terrible. They haven’t been any good since Shaquille O’Neal called them the Queens. They’re boring and they’re bad, and they are not going to get any better any time soon,” Johnson said. “Does anyone really want to spend hundreds of dollars to buy a ticket to watch DeMarcus Cousins under-perform, Jimmer Fredette sit on the bench and Tyreke Evans shoot too many shots? No, the people of the great city of Sacramento would rather spend a few dollars on a Vanilla Spice Latte or a Carmel Macchiato at another new Starbucks.”
While some NBA fans are protesting the trade, many are supporting it.
“If I want to go watch a bad basketball team, I can go watch a middle school girls game, I don’t have to go watch the Kings,” said NBA fan Joe Hoops. “But you can bet that I can’t get a tasty cup of Guatemala Casi Cielo down at a middle school game. Oh yeah.”
“If there’s one thing this town needs, it’s another coffee shop,” said local nerd Simon Readalot. “While I prefer independent coffee shops where they play music that is so awesome that no one has ever heard it before and they only sell coffee from Iceland, I would like to see another Starbucks in Sacramento. Besides, I thought the Kings stopped playing here when Chris Webber and Vlade Divac left town.”
Ironically, former Kings star Jason Williams is out of basketball and now trying to make a living by working at a Starbucks. Kings fans are hoping he can bring his level of magic and excitement back to the new Sacramento franchise by serving up tasty White Chocolate Mocha drinks.