Dear Pissed Connections,

I’m 24 and I’ve been dating this great guy for about 4 weeks. We recently decided to become “exclusive” boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything between us is great: the conversation, the chemistry, our taste for the same cat memes. The only problem is, we haven’t had sex yet. At first I thought he was a traditional guy and just wanted to wait until we were exclusive, but now we are and I’m still getting no penetration. He’s a 25-year-old hot-blooded male. Why won’t he have sex with me?!

Please help. My vegan roommate is starting to get pissed I keep eating her cucumbers. 

Sincerely,
Hot and Horny

Dear Hot and Horny,

I must say this is a first for me. A dude who doesn’t want to marinate his pickle in the brine? Who doesn’t want to dip his carrot in the artichoke dip? Who doesn’t want to butter his nutter in the jelly jar? Sorry, I haven’t had lunch today.

I have a couple of theories regarding Mr. Chastity.

Proposition #1: He had a botched circumcision as a young boy. This medical mishap left him in a spell of pain, rage, and rashes. It’s likely he’s afraid to show you what he has to work with because it might not be so workable. Picture a hotdog with a half-eaten roll around it. Not so appetizing, right? That’s what Casanovagina is worried about. He doesn’t want your judgment.

Proposition #2: He’s seen the movie “Teeth”one time too many. The legend of vagina dentata stems back millions, if not hundreds of years. In fact, the notorious Guiana tribe of South America believed in legends of the toothy cooch. If this dude’s as pragmatic as I envision him to be, he’s just steering clear of your cock-cruncher.

Proposition #3: He doesn’t have a penis. Yes, although an obvious option, I still felt this possibility needed mentioning. Just because a girl feels like a guy has a boner when she’s hooking up with him, doesn’t mean he has a penis. You know how some guys say it’s just a flashlight in their pockets? Well, maybe Mr. Chastity really likes flashlights.

Proposition #4: It’s that time of the month.

Oh wait. This one doesn’t work for guys.

Proposition #5: He just masturbated. It’s quite possible he plays tag with the pink tornado just before he sees you, every time he sees you. Consequently, when you tell him you’re open for business, he’s out of inventory.

This is a tough one Horny, I gotta give it to you. All I can say is keep your head high and your legs open. He’ll cum around soon enough.

Best,
Pissed Connections