Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

Dear Pissed Connections,

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other just over a year. Recently she went out to a bar for her friend Amy’s birthday and came back to my place pretty wasted. (Fortunately I benefited from this with some steamy drunk sex). But the next morning, she told me she had hooked up with some chick at the bar. She said it like it was no big deal and even laughed about it! I totally flipped out and made her leave my apartment instantly. Well, not instantly. I made her cook me breakfast first. 

Her friends all call me a douche now and say I overreacted… but I’m pretty sure I’m in the right. Didn’t she cheat?

My Girl’s Gone Wild

Dear Girl’s Gone Wild,

Let’s get real for a second. Part of your anger stems from the fact that you were not present to witness your girlfriend swapping spit with this tremendously hot mysterious babe. Just picture it: Your girlfriend is standing innocently in the corner of the room and suddenly strikes eye-contact with Carmen Electra’s body double. They’re both tipsy and adequately curious. They slowly walk towards one another, hair blowing from the bar vents and BAM. Their faces are drawn together likes moths to a flame.

I like to call this scenario the “Male Heterosexual Fantasy.” I’d also like to call you a fucking idiot.

Why? Because the answer is right in front of you. Clearly your girlfriend cheated. In fact, I think it’s debatable she ever even liked men in the first place. Let’s look at the facts.

1. She came clean about her behavior as soon as she woke up.

Cheaters always come clean immediately. If she had nothing to hide, she’d be hiding it.

2. She had sex with you when she came home that night. I hate to be crass, but I have a feeling she was fantasizing mystery babe while sleeping with you. I mean, how many straight girls hook up with random chicks at bars for attention? Not a lot. Obviously your girlfriend has sincere feelings for Carmen Fake-letra.

Some parting advice: break up with her dude. She sounds like a conniving, unadulterated adulterer. And if she were actually a half-decent girlfriend, she would have cooked you lunch too before leaving.

You’re a good man. Keep that head high.

Pissed Connections