Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

Dear Pissed Connections,

I’ve been single all of 2012 and my New Year’s resolution is to get a boyfriend. I don’t have a problem meeting guys or anything — I meet plenty of eligible bachelors at bars, wine tastings and AA meetings. The problem I do have is that I’m terrible at managing my time. Whenever I coordinate a date with someone I always end up being at least 45 minutes late. By the time I arrive the dude has already left and I’ve totally squashed my chances for a second date.

What do I do? I’m desperate to find a meaningful relationship for 2013.


All Dressed Up With No Place to Go

Dear Dressed Up,

Let’s evaluate, shall we? Clearly your time management skills, or rather lack there of, is a disease with no remedy. Some “silly” dating expert might advise you to get a watch, or spend less time doing your hair, or maybe set an alarm. But I am no silly dating expert. I face the facts, find the problem, and then put a Band-Aid over it. Because if it’s broken, don’t fix it…Right?

So here’s my recommendation. Memorize these “late to date” text excuses, and your man won’t blink an eye after waiting 45-minutes for you. Heck, I guarantee he’ll ask you for a 2nd date on the spot.


Sorry Greg, things got a little backed up at the abortion clinic but I’ll be right over!

Actually the doctor says I can’t drive. Pick me up in 5?



Sorry Evan, I’m going to be late.

Just ran into an ex and I sort of owe him a hate fuck.

But don’t worry I’ll be quick! (He’ll probably be even quicker)


On my way Keith. Sorry for the lateness, I totally got caught up in this wedding catalogue my mom sent me.

How do you feel about robin egg blue?


Blah, sorry I’m so late David!

It’s taking me way longer to cover up the ugly than I expected.


Really sorry I’m late Andrew!

It’s just that you’re not here, so I don’t know whether or not I look fat in these jeans…

*send him photo so he can reply*


Hey Jordan,

Just got off the phone with your mom…

She’s says we’re doing Mediterranean tonight?

Ugh. I dressed for Italian.

Changing now.


Shit, sorry I’m late Tony.

I think my earring fell off when I was searching

your apartment this morning—I’m looking for it now.

Give me like 15 minutes.

Also, you really should water your plants.

Hope these tips and tricks help you find the perfect main squeeze for 2013.

Keep smiling and keep shining,

Pissed Connections

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1 Comment

  • Avatar of Africa
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 1:31 am 0Likes

    Text 1: Sure thing. Don’t forget to book your appointment for next month.
    Text 2: Cool. That gives me time to drop by your friend’s place. She left some things in my bedroom.
    Text 3: Tacky as fuck.
    Text 4: You missed a spot… but thats okay.
    Text 5: Don’t blame the jeans.
    Text 6: Did your parents not give you enough attention as a child?
    Text 7: Already at my place? Geez I didn’t realize you were that desperate.

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