Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

Dear Pissed Connections,

I’m a 26-year-old male and still live at home with my parents. It’s a pretty great gig considering my mom does my laundry, cooks me dinner and arranges my dentist appointments, but it doesn’t exactly make me a “babe magnet.”

I don’t want to lie to the girls I’m seeing, but whenever I mention my living situation on a date, the girl runs for the hills. What should I do so these girls stay past the appetizer?

Sincerely,
Momma’s Boy

Dear Momma’s Boy,
I’m a little perplexed by your dilemma. You’re telling me the so-called “women” you’re dating are turned off by the fact your mom is your roommate? Well holy heck they need to take a chill pill. It’s not like you’re still sucking on her teat.

(You’re not still sucking on her teat, right?)

Listen. If the ladies you’re going out with can’t appreciate your familial values, it seems to me the answer is pretty cut and dry. These are not the women you should be dating.

Personally, I admire a man who knows what he wants and sticks with it. You should be with a person who appreciates the bond between mother and son—not some insecure bitch trying to destroy the world around you.

You need to find someone who respects you and recognizes that you don’t have time to fold your laundry. Someone who understands that mom’s home cooking tastes way better than the shitty take-out you’d be ordering otherwise. Someone who realizes that you’re never out of milk when mom’s around. That you always have clean underwear when mom’s around.

Someone who gets you. Like mom gets you.

Now, I’m not suggesting you should get all Oedipus and try dating your mom. That’s out of the question. However, it might serve you well to find a woman with an appreciation for the rigid female standards of the 1950’s.

From now on, you should have a mental checklist when going into any date. If she’s comfortable operating an oven, stovetop and washing machine — she passes stage one. If she’s comfortable operating a car, computer and vibrator — she’s much too progressive. Fail.

If you apply a bit more discretion in your dating, I’m confident you’ll find a woman to go to bed with. Just be careful… she and your mother may fight over who gets to wash the sheets in the morning.

Sincerely,
Pissed Connections