Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

Dear Pissed Connections,

I started dating this fantastic guy and I think things between us have the potential to really go somewhere. But a few days ago we tried to sleep together for the first time and things didn’t exactly go as planned. We were making-out like usual and then I gave him the green light for sex. He seemed super excited that I was finally ready to do it after making him wait so many dates, but when he dropped trough his equipment looked… completely limp.

He was clearly embarrassed and sprinted out of my apartment claiming he had to “work really early in the morning.” It’s been 4 days and I haven’t heard from him. Should I call him and let him know I’m not upset about what happened? I don’t know how to deal with all of this.

Sincerely,

Hard On Herself

Dear Hard On,

You are not alone. I think every woman has faced this issue at least once in her life. Fortunately, every cloud has a silver lining and every limp dick has a silver Viagra.

My advice is to call him as soon as possible and squash this ridiculous awkwardness. So what if he couldn’t get hard? It happens. Once you get him on the phone, tell him you have something really important to discuss and urge him to meet you in person. This will make him feel very calm and reassured, and definitely not like something is wrong.

Once you meet up, sit him down slowly and tell him you want to clear the air. He’ll probably look really concerned, but this is only because he’s still humiliated about his equipment malfunction. When he’s seated and looking pale in the face, repeat these words: “There’s no reason to feel bad about what happened. I’ve slept with a lot of guys before. I mean A LOT of guys. And almost all of them have had this problem at least once. Not that it’s a problem. You’re totally perfect.”

After this speech, he’s going to look a bit confused. This is good. It means he’s processing. Now that the lines of communication are open, tell him you want to talk about the “incident” more with him. Tell him you want him to get everything off his chest and that you want to get everything off your chest. Because let’s face it, there’s nothing a guy likes more than talking. Especially if the subject at hand is his inability to get an erection.

Once the two of you are blue in the face from discussing the insecurities of your blooming relationship, it’s time to create a solution for the limpness. Delicately tell him that you believe Viagra is a viable option. After all, there’s nothing a guy likes more than feeling emasculated by the girl he really likes and wants to sleep with, but can’t get hard for.

Once you’ve purchased the Viagra for him (because let’s face it, asking a guy to buy it himself is just heartless), take him to your bedroom. When you get there, play some Celine Dion to soften the mood. Light a few candles. Ask him if he wants a glass of water. Ask him if he wants a tampon because he’s such a pussy. Tell him you’re just kidding. Ask him if he thought your tampon joke was funny. He probably won’t.

Finally, after a day of helping your man harness his inner stallion, he should be ready and able to mount you like you deserve. Lower the music, close the curtains, and prepare yourself for an evening of animalistic passion. Or at the very least, sex.

Good luck,

Pissed Connections

Not sure whether or not you should shave your back for your girlfriend? I’ve got you covered. For advice on dating, mating and ex-boyfriend berating, send an e-mail to [email protected].