Dear Pissed Connections,
I just started dating this total hottie and we’ve been taking things slow. Last night she finally invited me upstairs into her apartment, and I was thrilled. To thank her for letting me go up, I figured I’d go down… on her.
Once things really heated up mid make-out session, I began unzipping her pants, only to realize the carpet I was prepared to munch was a full-on shag rug.
Now, I’m the kind of man who finishes what he starts, so I gave her everything I had. But honestly, I found it completely gross and I’m still having horrifying flashbacks. I can’t go through with it again. How can I convince her to trim her weeds without embarrassing her?
George of Her Jungle
Dear George of Her Jungle,
It sounds like you’re in stubble. I mean, trouble. Talking to a woman about her pubes is a sensitive subject, especially if she clearly hasn’t been given them any attention
To get the well-groomed results you’re seeking, without offending this bottom-bearded lady, follow my simple instructions below.
Invite Sasquatch on a romantic spa getaway. No woman can turn down a massage and facial.
Create a detailed itinerary, including an intensive waxing session for the both of you. She may be hesitant at first, but calm her fears by showing your enthusiasm. Say things like, “I can’t wait to have my man-hairs yanked from my pleasure pump! This going to feel so awesome.”
Your excitement will win her over and she’ll be headed to waxville as fast as you can shout, “OWWWWW LADY!!!! WAX ONE MORE SECTION OF MY CROTCH AND I WILL END YOU!!!”
Get crabs. Give them to her. Boom.
She’ll have no choice.
So George, follow these quick fixes, and you’ll be headed down south with a smile in no time.
Not sure how to tell your boyfriend his breath is worse than Ke$ha’s music? I’ve got you covered. For advice on dating, mating and ex-boyfriend berating, send an e-mail to SamanthaTracey@newsmakeup.com.