Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections

Dear Pissed Connections,

I was humping this chick on and off for about 5 months, and things ended between us 2 months ago. We haven’t really been talking much since the “break-up” and I’ve recently starting boning someone new. But, when I realized her 29th birthday was coming up last week, and heard she didn’t have any plans, I decided to take her out to dinner and drinks to be a good friend. After a Mickey D’s dinner and a quick 7-Eleven slushy pre-game, I brought her to one of my favorite bars in the East Village. Soon after arriving my new hump buddy met up with us. The birthday gal was NOT happy about this, and bitched me out for the remainder of the night.

What the fuck is wrong with this chick?

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,

This might be difficult to hear, but you clearly used to be dating a psychopathic bitch. Just be glad you got out before she completely went mental. And before she turned 30. (Now that’s one hump you’d have a lot of trouble riding).

If I know anything—and believe me, I know everything—she’s not going to come around. Birthdays are a sensitive time for women, especially when they’re on their periods. And it definitely sounds like she was on her period. Or she wasn’t. It could definitely go either way.

Just know you were a complete gentleman in the way you handled the evening. You treated her to a lovely dinner and then to several hours of drinks to forget that dinner. You even provided her with additional party guests by inviting your new hump-friend. A pretty selfless act, if you ask me. And let’s be honest, you are asking me.

Another thing I should point out, although this is somewhat obvious, is that this birthday girl is an unapologetic gold digger. Evidently she’s only using you for decadent dinners and fancy cocktails. Let me guess—she ordered a double cheeseburger and large fries? I thought at as much. I bet she would have ordered a 52 oz. soda too, if Bloomberg would have allowed it. Thank God that law’s good for something. Bloomy’s got your back.

Not only does it seem like this lady should watch her waist, but it seems like you should watch you don’t waste your time with her.

The bottom line is that she was jealous you didn’t invite her into a threesome with humpty dumpty 2.0. Plain and simple. Every birthday girl expects birthday sex.

Unless she’s on her period. And let’s face it, she was probably on her period. Or she wasn’t. It could definitely go either way.

Hope this helps!

Pissed Connections

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  • Avatar of Alfred
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm 0Likes

    Everyone knows that 29 is the perfect time for a hump day challenge… and it certainly doesn’t take a large happy meal to accomplish it… just a bag of candy and a 6 pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

    • Avatar of sunnymonday
      Posted December 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm 0Likes

      Alfred, you r a sicko.

      • Avatar of Alfred
        Posted December 14, 2012 at 3:19 pm 0Likes

        I’m sorry 🙁 I didn’t mean to offend… a little too close to home? Listen, no one is trying to take your happy meal away… it’s just the economy, you know?

        • Avatar of SunnyMonday
          Posted December 15, 2012 at 4:06 pm 0Likes

          Alfred, there are no excuses for your actions. But I wouldn’t expect much from someone who drinks Milwaukee’s Shittiest. Stay thirsty my friend.

          • Avatar of Alfred
            Posted December 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm 0Likes

            Ok… but at least your still on board for the bag of candy…(?) And hey! Milwaukee’s best IS the best, I don’t know what swill you’ve been drinking- just give me something with some flavor

  • Avatar of Alcibiddy
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm 0Likes

    Samantha Tracey is so damn hilarious! I think she was bang-on about the threesome. Mr. Dazed and Confused shouldn’t have invited the girl out on her birthday if he wasn’t prepared to put out.

  • Avatar of Finneus Thadbury
    Finneus Thadbury
    Posted December 15, 2012 at 3:13 am 0Likes

    Well – aren’t I fortunate for stumbling upon this piece of whimsical persiflage! What a droll column – your witty jests pricking this shrewish nag do so tickle my fancy. This shrill trollop deserved quite the trouncing and you thrashed her with a riotous lampoon. Jolly good show Ms. Tracey.

  • Avatar of Joy
    Posted December 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm 0Likes

    Samantha Tracey is hysterical

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