SAN ANTONIO – “We just got confused,” admitted a solemn and repentant Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. “We thought we were supposed to try and win every game, and just plain forgot how boring and uninteresting we are as a team.”
The Spurs’ coach called a press conference offering his sincerest apologies for anyone who is now subjected to at least four more games of the least exciting basketball team of all time. Popovich lamented the fact that it is too late in the year to trade for a superstar or teach Tim Duncan to take a shot that won’t resemble your dad shooting the ball in the driveway. “We may have had the second best record in the Western Conference, but we had like three ‘Sports Center’ highlights all year.”
“We got carried away in the moment,” said Duncan. “I realize now that it was my duty to let a superstar-driven, highlight reel-producing team beat us. This is the NBA; no one pays to watch sound fundamentals. To all the fans, I just want to say I’m sorry.” Duncan also said that he was not really looking forward to the Finals, and that while the high level of basketball was great, he would rather post pictures of his pottery class projects to his Pinterest board than give interviews to the press.
NBA commissioner David Stern is looking into a way to fine the Spurs but so far can’t find anything in the rulebook. “It doesn’t technically violate any rules,” said Stern, “but knocking out the Lakers and then the Warriors seems to violate the spirit of the game.” The commissioner said it was selfish and mean-spirited of the Spurs to eliminate two large market teams just so they could win a championship. “If the Spurs want to win it all, maybe they should sell more jerseys — they currently don’t have a single player in the top 10.”