You silly, silly white people.

You thought your little Mittens would become the next president, call up Benny “I Once Slept With a Transsexual Prostitute Who Stank of Pork” Netanyahu, and launch a fleet of Israeli nukes at me?

It’s not that I didn’t want Rom-com to win — on a personal and not a political level of course. (Side-note: “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” was just released in Iran…is it the kind of movie where I have to see the original one first?)  Sure, he’d probably have me invaded, but at least he wouldn’t embargo Oreos to my country.  Sure, he’d probably eat me alive if it convinced Americans that he was “tough” and not “a weird (Scientologist?) robot,” but after my 437th Obama-fueled U.N. sanction, I mean, hey, am I that against something new?

But of course, my biggest concern is Benny, and nothing pleases me more (perhaps Oreos) than knowing he will have to continue to bend over in the way that “homosexuals” do (I’m told) for President Obummer for the next four years.  Four more years of Israeli frustration and Netanyahu’s squirming, neutered face turning red?  Sweeter than Oreos!  (I’m really craving Oreos.)

So thank you, white America.  You tried valiantly to vote your bigoted, insane, creepy and uninformed man into power, you failed, and now you’ve opened the doors for me — equally bigoted, insane, creepy and uninformed — to waltz right into my new nuclear facility in [redacted].

In my most recent journey to America I was acquainted with a young harlot by the name of Honey Boo Boo.  As the wench would say: “Redneckignize,” America.

Peace, love, and Bridget Jones to all,

Mahmoud