NEW YORK — Well, all in all I would say that was a successful trip. One never knows what to expect from a jaunt to New York City, the land of hot dogs, homelessness, and homosexuals —
Forgive me. My advisor is whispering into my ear, telling me that the gaunt figure in the potato sack-looking garb was not a homeless person but something called an “Olsen twin.” I will never understand this country.
Nonetheless, my visit to the United Nations was a triumph. If anyone tells you differently, don’t bother to listen. I am telling you it was a triumph and I will not be questioned. In terms of my political agenda, I accomplished all of my goals in the Big Apple. I deflected questions about my awesome arsenal of nukes, I called for a “new world order” free of oppressive, bullying empires (to make room for Iran, of course). Even better, I received a text message from Anna Wintour saying she is finally beginning to understand the tieless look. Most importantly, whatever insanities and inanities I may have uttered before the General Assembly were overshadowed by alleged BDSM fanatic (I cannot reveal my sources) Benny Netanyahu. The ignorant cretin takes his bomb diagrams from Nintendo 64’s SuperMario, which we just received in Iran — in time for the holiday season, thankfully!
Outside of my many interviews and press events, I was fortunate enough to find some time for pleasure. When Mahmoud loosens his tie, anything can happen, even if the tie is nonexistent. A few shots of Bacaradi and all of a sudden I’m table-dancing with one Paris Hilton at the SoHo House. We discussed our mutual loathing of homosexuals, as well as the return of the color beige and potential strategies for skirting around these silly sanctions. Well, the last part of the conversation was mostly one-sided, for by that point in the night Ms. Hilton was passed out in her own vomit mumbling something about “bad ecstasy.”
After picking up some street-cart falafel and taking a dip in the jacuzzi at the top of The Standard, I returned to my hotel suite where I proceeded to prank-call some dear friends of mine in the General ASS-embly. (See what I did there?) So, Benny Netanyahu, I hope you enjoy the Asian drag queen I sent to your room, as well as the fifty pork-topped pizzas billed to your name. I have also sent you my historical textbook on the years during World War II, in which I believe that the Zionist regime framed Adolf Hitler to distract the world from their commiseration with the Illuminati and other black magic forces. I concluded my evening with a nightcap and a viewing of “Schindler’s List,” which recently won the Iranian Cinema Award (judged by yours truly) for Best Comedy.
Peace, love, and Big Apples to all!