TEHRAN, IRAN — Greetings from Tehran! No, this isn’t a bearded Jake Gyllenhaal in his newest role. It is I, Mahmoud, live and in the flesh in my private bunker. Fear not: I have not taken to the bunker because I am in danger. I merely thought I saw a Jew, so I took refuge.
As your people continue to tighten your so-called sanctions around my neck, I find fewer and fewer resources available to my people and most importantly myself. For the last three months, I have survived on nothing but Iran’s version of Double Stuffed Oreos. We actually have access to the real Oreos, but I banned them after they released their vile “rainbow Oreo” line in support of some heathen homosexual rally.
Nonetheless, as much as it pains me to admit, there is a very real chance I might starve to death without the paltry but barely sufficient paydays of Newslo. So I have decided to write regular blog entries about your culture, though it is the undoubtedly the nation I would vote off the island first. (Newslo has dutifully granted me the inaugural season of “Survivor” for my research. I quite enjoy it, save for the naked homosexual.) Either I write or I give in to the UN’s demands to dismantle my nuclear armament program and recognize Israel’s right to exist so that they release me from these pesky sanctions. But there is a better chance of me forgiving Netanyahu for the woman he stole from me in 1997.
So. On to business.
This election is heating up, I suppose. Not that either of these infidels particularly interest me. Romney is rich, which is nice. President Obama has repeatedly attempted to bend me over the mahogany desk in the Oval Office, which is not as nice. Romney would probably enjoy invading my country, so long as it takes some attention away from the fact that he has no idea what he is doing. Obama would prefer to keep stripping my country of American junk food. But being the stunning genius I am, I have beat him to it! I don’t even want your Rainbow Oreos, Hussein!
To be perfectly honest, I easily grow weary keeping track of these elections, long, drawn-out processes in countries I despise in which various people vie to transfer power among themselves. I would personally prefer trial by combat. In which case, my money would be on Romney, because nothing ends a fight like a bag of gold. Except for two bags of gold — which he certainly has.
At the end of the day, neither of these men will do much for me, and I am my central concern of course. Netanyahu, the thieving bastard, will strike me before I can do anything, so I don’t understand why you people are so concerned. All I want to do is sit here, eat my ‘moud-eos, and watch the copy of “Good Will Hunting” my advisors have retrieved for me. While I know my beliefs on Israel, “homosexuals,” and Iran’s nuclear program have been contentious to say the least, I imagine the following statement may rile you silly people more than anything else: Ben Affleck is underrated.
Oh my god. No, no they didn’t. Fucking hell. My advisors have slipped me another goddamn Bollywood bootleg. I had a hunch when I saw it was on VHS but — still. The incompetence! And right in the middle of my blog, no less. I am so embarrassed.
That does it. All my advisors are to be shot. No, they will be fed to the dogs. Only the dogs will eat in Iran, and they will eat only advisors! And the lesson shall be learned among my future employees: no. Goddamn. Bootlegs. First you deprive me of “Pretty Woman” and now Ben Affleck?! Ugh. I can’t even finish this blog post — I am far too distressed.
Peace, love, and ‘moud-eos to all!