Sandy Hook to Congress: “Thanks Sooo Much”

NEWTOWN, Conn. — Almost three months since the December shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 28 people dead, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid confirmed today that a vote on gun control legislation will take place in April without a ban on assault weapons. Speaking at a press conference in Newtown, Conn., residents and community leaders gathered to“thank members of Congress, truly, for taking a stand and obviously not forgetting the victims of Sandy Hook.”

Making liberal use of air quotes, Newtown First Selectman Patricia E. Llodra said, “Our town will never heal completely after an armed gunman took our loved ones away from us, but it’s just ‘fantastic’ that Democrats had ‘so much courage’ in acting to try and ensure nothing like this happens again. ‘Great work,’ guys.”

Addressing the other side of the political aisle, Llodra added, “You really surprised everyone, Republicans, with the way you pushed aside partisanship and stood up to the gun lobby. Bra … vo.” Llodra then began slowly clapping, those around her joining in with an equally glaring lack of enthusiasm.

Vice President Joe Biden and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg made an appearance as well. Together they presented a giant novelty check written out to Congress for “$50 gazillion dollars.” Biden said he hopes Congress will put the money safely in a bank “right next to all these lives that Congress is saving.”

Currently, the bill most likely to pass will put aside $40 million a year for 10 years to improve school safety. As with the assault weapons ban, it is expected that placing a federal limit on high-capacity ammunition clips will not be included.

Meanwhile, Newtown residents are asking the Republican-controlled House of Representatives where they should send the fruit baskets “for knocking this one out of the park so quickly.”