Congress Mourns Sandy Hook Anniversary, Getting Things Done

WASHINGTON – Leading members of Congress are marking the one-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook mass-shooting this week, as well as mourning the loss of their ability to “solve problems and generally get things done.” Lawmakers say that last year’s tragedy, and their own failure to pass legislation to address gun violence since then, show that “America is hurting and possibly broken.”

The sense of loss was exemplified by a bipartisan group of senators who are planning a candle light vigil for Saturday evening. Led by Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), the group told reporters that the ceremony will commemorate both the 26 lives that were lost in Sandy Hook and Congress’s “utter failure to act logically in face of such violence.”

“There was a time when seeing dozens of elementary school kids gunned down would have prompted us to act,” Baucus said Sunday. “Apparently, those days are gone, and we thought it appropriate that we take some time to remember the time before we became completely impotent.”

Senator Jeff Flake (R-AZ) agreed with Baucus’s statements. “When that guy Richard Reid tried to detonate a bomb in his shoe, we got things done,” Flake recalled. “Now everyone has to take their shoes off before boarding an airplane, but apparently the Sandy Hook massacre wasn’t enough to convince us that universal background checks are necessary.”

“We suck,” Flake added. “It’s as simple as that.”

The House of Representatives will hold a moment of silence on Saturday, according to reports. Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that he hopes lawmakers will use the moment to reflect on the pain experienced by the families who lost their children, as well as on their “complete and total lack of leadership these days.”

“Sure, we could have passed some kind of meaningful legislation to tackle gun violence,” Boehner said. “But we’re just a lower caliber group of people than the Congresses of the past. The American people need leadership on these issues, but its time they stop looking to us for it.”

“Thankfully, the people have a chance to replace us with representatives who know how to govern next year,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). “But let’s be honest: They probably won’t.”