Saudi Government Demands US Follow ‘More Blood For Oil’ Policy

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia — Tens of thousands of protestors have taken to the streets here in Saudi Arabia to register their displeasure with the U.S. government’s withering interest in rushing to war with Middle Eastern adversaries.

Members of the Saudi royal family have gone as far as to threaten to cut off U.S. access to their oil reserves, the largest in the region, barring any military action.

Prince Bandar bin Sultan, the former Saudi ambassador to the United States, led a throng of protestors in a rallying cry, “More blood for oil!”

While tapping out the tune to “Ballad of the Green Beret” on an empty oil drum, Bandar—who now describes himself as a “full-time war activist”—explained to reporters that waiting for the Iranian and Syrian regimes to cross “an arbitrary red line could lay bare a smoking gun in the form of a mushroom cloud.”

Secretary of State John Kerry’s diplomatic trip to the Saudi capital last month did little to quell existential concern over the interim nuclear accord with Iran and the Obama administration’s reluctance to take a more active role in toppling Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“More and more,” contends Bandar, “the United States is treating its Middle Eastern interests like shell companies to be exploited only when convenient, without regard for the widening gulf between long-standing allies.”

“Mobilize your forces against the creeping Shiite threat or watch as the prices at your gas stations blow up,” threatened one war protestor in the crowd.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Energy Information Administration dismissed these fears, noting that the country’s dependence on foreign oil has declined since reaching its height in 2005, with over half of imports now coming from the Western Hemisphere.

The protesting Saudi Minister of Defense—walking on stilts and wearing a papier-mâché Uncle Sam mask with tears of oil streaming from its eyes—had a message for Obama. “President Obama told Assad that, ‘The U.S. military doesn’t do pinpricks.’ Well, Mr. President, even a pinprick draws some blood. Mark my words, there will be blood!”

“Just a courtesy drone strike or two would show the U.S. still cares,” lamented the man former President George W. Bush nicknamed “Bandar Bush,” on account of his exceedingly cozy relationship with the Bush family. “Remember the good times when our two nations worked hand in hand? Like during the Iraq war—I mean Desert Storm. The second Iraq war…man, that was a complete boondoggle.”