Scientists: Newly-Discovered Earth-Like Planets ‘Hopefully not as Fucked Up as Earth’

WORLD — Last week, scientists announced the discovery of two new planets in the constellation Lyra that, based on their size and orbital locations, may closely resemble planet Earth. The finding, made possible by the Kepler telescope, has sparked great excitement among the general public, but astronomers are striking a more ambivalent tone, warning that this discovery “might not actually be so great.” “I mean, look around you,” one expert said. “If these planets are ‘Earth-like,’ that means they could be just as deeply and irreparably fucked up as Earth.”

“All the data show that these planets may share significant characteristics with our planet,” Andrew Watson, a NASA astronomer, said. “The hope is that the similarities include water, oxygen, verdant plant-life, and maybe some lower-form animals, but stop short of genocide, pollution and How I Met Your Mother.

Scientists say that the planets are in the so-called “habitable zone,” meaning that they are the right distance from their home star to contain liquid water—and, perhaps, life. “Life is one of the defining characteristics of Earth,” Dean Jacobs, professor of astrobiology at Cambridge University, said. “Chief among Earth’s life forms are humans, who are responsible for slavery, racism, global warming, politicians, nuclear weapons, and Nickleback. Earth is a giant sphere of shit—why would anyone be excited about discovering another one?”

The finding has led to speculation that, once the Earth’s natural resources are spent—or the environment becomes inhospitable to life—humanity may survive by migrating to one of the new planets and fucking that one up, assuming it hasn’t already been destroyed by whatever humanoid creatures are already there.

“Frankly, I hope we’re wrong, and that these planets aren’t at all like Earth,” Jacobs said. “I shudder at the thought of a universe containing two Honey Boo Boos. I’ve had nightmares about that kind of thing.”