Scientists Posit There Are Billions of Earth-Like Planets, But Only One Weezer

NEW YORK – After careful analysis of data from the Kepler spacecraft, astronomers believe the Milky Way and the universe at large could be filled with trillions upon trillions of planets similar to Earth in size and distance from their suns, but that there is nothing in the heavens quite like American rock band Weezer.

As recently as 1990, scientists knew of no confirmed planets outside of our own solar system, but this week, based on a survey on a small part of the galaxy, researchers said 22% of the 20 billion Milky Way stars similar to our sun have Earth-like planets orbiting them, which would make the planets “infinitely more common and ho-hum” than bands capable of producing back-to-back masterpieces like The Blue Album and “Pinkerton.”

“As Carl Sagan would say, there may be billions and billions and Earths,” said Dr. Henrietta Danvers of the Griffith Observatory, “but there’s definitely nothing out there that compares with geek rockers Weezer. In much the same way that Rivers Cuomo carved out a crisp, largely four-four time version of garage rock in which to pour the angst of adolescent desires forced into a grown-up world, the Kepler partitioned off part of the galaxy in its planet-hunting quest. The results were equally fruitful.”

Extended to the entire universe, Kepler’s estimates could mean the the total number of Earth-like worlds is a billion trillion, also known as a “Maladroit” for number of times you can listen to that record before it gets old.

Astronomers cannot say definitely that there are no other bands in the universe capable of producing songs as thrash-worthy yet touching as “Across the Sea” or “Perfect Situation,” but MIT professor Oman Hatzani said that bizarre later-career moves like hosting a concert cruise or covering Toni Braxton make the odds “beyond astronomical or infinitesimal” that we will ever see the like of Weezer again.

“In our hunt for extraterrestrial life, we focus on planets where we think there’s a chance of finding liquid water, which of course means conditions relatively similar to our own,” Hatzani said. “It turns out the nearest Earth-like planet could be as close as 12 light years away, meaning any inhabitants of it would just now be getting radio transmissions of the joyous, ebullient Green Album, which should go perfectly with their Earth-like summers.”

Hatzani added: “Lucky bastards.”

As of presstime, researchers have confirmed that world has turned and left them here.