Scott Brown Purchases Homes in Maine and Nebraska ‘Just in Case’

WRENTHAM, Maine — After teasing reporters with talk of jumping into the 2014 Senate race in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown today acknowledged purchasing homes in the states of Maine and Nebraska within recent weeks, “just in case.”

“I have long felt a kinship to the great state of Maine,” said Brown as he rested a foot on the fender of his iconic pickup truck. “Some people think of them as the forgotten stepchild of New England, but I see them more as the home to long-time Republican Senator Susan Collins, who may have worn out her welcome and is ripe for a primary challenge.”

Brown, who earlier this year declined the opportunity to run for a Massachusetts Senate seat vacated by current U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, explaining that the pain and anguish over his 2012 Senate loss to Elizabeth Warren in that state was too fresh, has recently gone on record musing about running for office elsewhere.

“I was born in New Hampshire. I have a home there and I’ve spent summers there. I cried when the Old Man in the Mountain crumbled. [Democratic Senator] Jeanne Shaheen is up for reelection in 2014,” he said. “I’ve also spent time in Maine. Traveling and stuff. It’s right next-door. Sometimes I go out drinking in New Hampshire and end up in Maine, so it’s like a third home. And of course, Nebraska is my fourth home.”

Mr. Brown denied speculation that laws requiring a candidate running for the Senate be resident of the state he or she hopes to represent had anything to do with his recent real estate purchases.

When asked to explain his ties to the state of Nebraska, where current Republican Senator Mike Johanns has announced his retirement, opening up a safe Red seat, Brown snapped back, “I like wheat.”

Jordan McGrain, Executive Director of the Nebraska Republican Party, was ready to welcome Brown with open arms. “He brings name recognition that we ain’t seen round these parts in generations,” he said, a stalk of wheat clenched in his teeth. “Honest, name somebody from Nebraska. Anybody. You can’t, can you? Now we get a Scott Brown on our side, maybe folks’ll start paying attention to us.”

“The fact that I’m randomly purchasing property in states which are holding Senate elections in 2014 should not be taken as any indication of my intent to run for office in these states,” said Brown, who also reportedly looked into real estate in Alaska, Iowa, and Louisiana—all red-leaning states with a Democratic Senator up for reelection in 2014. “I’m not saying I’m not running, of course. But if the good people of Maine or Nebraska were to, say, start a SuperPAC in the attempt to lure me into a Senate race, it would be rude for me to ignore their pleas.”

Despite repeated attempts to nail down the former Senator’s plans for the future, Brown remained elusive and vague. “Look, right now I’m concentrating on one day at a time,” he said. “I enjoy houses, so I have purchased a few of them. As to where I’ll end up, who can say? All I know is that I’ve had my carpets bagged and am prepared to move wherever I next choose to call campaign headquarters.”