SCOTUS Throws Gays a Bone in Attempt to Get Everyone to Quit Harping on Voting Rights Decision

WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court today ruled that the Federal anti-gay marriage law known as DOMA (The Defense Of Marriage Act) was unconstitutional, paving the way for the federal government to recognize legally-performed same-sex marriages. Writing for the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy said that he hopes today’s decision would get everybody off their back for the previous day’s ruling which effectively gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act.

“For the past 24 hours, we’ve been ridiculed, lambasted, yelled at, and called unspeakable names just because we enabled racist enclaves to further disenfranchise minority voters,” said Kennedy. “Frankly, I’m hurt. I’m hoping that by ruling for the gays this time, people will cut us some slack.”

Both rulings were 5-4 decisions, with the reliably liberal block of Justices Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, and Kagan all voting in favor of The Voting Rights Act and against DOMA, while the reliably conservative block of Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito all voting against VRA and for DOMA. Only Justice Kennedy, long considered both the Court’s main swing vote and a major prima donna who craves attention, voted with both majorities.

Across the country, gay-marriage activists applauded their strategy of flaming Kennedy’s Facebook page and getting #JusticeKennedysucks to trend on Twitter in order to flip the ideologically-vague Justice.

“When I learned that the voting decision was going first, I knew we had a chance,” said Chad Griffin, president of the Human Rights Commission. “Kennedy’s a bit of a sissy and if you goad him enough, he’ll fold like a three dollar bill. Sorry minorities, but having you guys screwed by the Court was the best thing that could’ve happened for us.”

Kennedy, meanwhile, tried to explain the Court’s thinking in the two cases. “While some see our ruling on the Voting Rights Act as a conservative decision and our ruling in the DOMA case as a liberal decision, we disagree,” continued Kennedy. “We see the two cases eerily similar, in that in both decisions, we have chosen to throw out something old and traditional in favor of something new and shiny.”

Standing behind Kennedy, Chief Justice John Roberts gave a snort of derision. “Who’s this ‘we’ you keep talking about, Anthony?” he asked. “We all know you caved from all the mean tweets you were getting. Wimp.”

Justice Stephen Breyer took the moment to interject, “Yesterday all the Democrats hated us, today all the Republicans hate us. So now everybody hates us. Nice going, Anthony. Christ, grow a spine.”