Supreme Court ‘Can’t Wait’ to Hear Case Involving Sex, Healthcare, Religion

WASHINGTON – Sources close to the Supreme Court of the United States say that the justices “can hardly wait” to hear two upcoming cases that will decide the constitutionality of one provision of the Affordable Care Act. The cases—which will be argued before the Court next spring—are challenges to the ACA’s “contraceptive mandate,” and will involve a complex interplay between sex, healthcare, and religion—all topics which reportedly “get the justices more excited than deciding a presidential election.”

“This court freaking loves a controversial case,” said Bryn Kaufmann, a law clerk for Chief Justice John Roberts.  “Nothing disappoints them more than when they show up to work and not a single person is out there protesting on the Court steps. It just makes them feel lonely and unwanted.”

But according to sources, the Court is sure that “everyone will be watching” when these cases are argued next year. At stake is whether or not secular, for-profit companies can, for religious reasons, opt out of the Affordable Care Act’s so-called “contraceptive mandate,” which requires that employees’ health insurance plans cover birth control. Hobby Lobby, a craft chain with over 10,000 employees and a plaintiff in the case, will argue that by forcing them to provide their workers with contraceptive coverage, the Affordable Care Act violates 1993’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, as well as their First Amendment rights.

“Who can resist a fight like that?” Kaufmann wondered. “Not the SCOTUS, I can tell you. I’ve never seen them so giddy.”

At least one justice is speaking openly about his excitement. “This case has it all,” Justice Antonin Scalia admitted yesterday. “Big government, freedom of speech, religious fervor, and loose women. I’ve already cancelled my Netflix, because this is all the entertainment I’m going to need.”

Two lower courts, in Denver and Philadelphia, reached opposite conclusions regarding the constitutionality of the contraceptive mandate—the former declaring it illegal, the latter sanctioning its provisions—so the Obama Administration now hopes that the Supreme Court will settle the matter in favor of the law.

Zack Page, a clerk for Justice Thomas, said that the Court’s other upcoming cases are “total snoozefests.” “One is about Inherited Individual Retirement Accounts and their relationship with bankruptcyseriously,” Page said. “The older justices might literally die of boredom during that one.”

“It’s about time the Court gets a little rowdy again,” Page continued. “To be honest, several of the justices wish the court sessions were a little more like Judge Judy, and these cases are their best opportunity to see somebody throw a fist.”