WASHINGTON – Today, while President Obama was occupied in the shower, head of the Secret Service Vladimir Illon held a nationally televised press conference in which he announced that, as a precautionary measure to keep the president safe, the Secret Service would be constructing a “Truman Show”-like environment so as to keep Obama confined to the White House.
Since being sworn in almost six years ago, President Obama has occasionally quipped about how frustrating it is to be under a constant security watch. As of late, the president has started taking impromptu excursions more frequently. Last week he was seen, without his security team, at Shake Shack with Vice President Biden. Three days later, he suddenly had his motorcade break off from the planned route to watch Little Leaguers warm up before a game.
Of the president’s impulsive excursions, Ari Fleischer, former press secretary to George W. Bush, said, “Staff loves it, Secret Service hates it… They [the Secret Service] want everything buttoned down and under total control, nothing-could-possibly-go-wrong-control.”
Today it became clear that this was not hyperbole when Illon announced the Secret Service’s plan to construct the “Truman Show” environment. He explained:
“I don’t think there’s a president in recent history with as many detractors as has President Obama. And lately he’s been trying to go off on his own, or making us stop at places we haven’t prepared for. There could be a sniper at these baseball fields, we don’t know. So what we’re going to do is create an artificial environment, a la ‘The Truman Show,’ to keep him under our careful watch at all times.”
As to the specifics of the plan Illon said, “Well, we’re going to hook up a fake news channel to his television, tell him it’s a new one. And 24/7 we’ll have them run stories about how Congress has finally agreed to parts of his agenda and that his more passionate opponents have even stopped referring to him with the N-word. Believe me, if he thinks he can get something done, the guy will never leave the Oval Office.”
Illon went on to discuss the actors the Service has hired to portray news anchors and pundits. When asked if he was worried that the president would quickly catch on, he responded, “No, people love reality shows, which is what this kind of is, so we’re pretty sure everyone’s going to play along to the best of their… Oh… He shut the water off. The Bear is out! The Bear is out and drying his fur! He’s hungry for salmon! I repeat the Bear is hungry for salmon!” Illon began to yell into his wrist watch before concluding the press conference.
“I got to go. Just remember America, it’s a secret. So don’t Retweet this or anything.”