Secret Service Neuters Entire Presidential Detail

WASHINGTON — Members of the president’s Secret Service detail are sworn to take a bullet for the president, if necessary. But instead of taking two to the chest, male members of service have been asked to take two from below the belt following a persistent drumbeat of reported sexual misconduct.

The Secret Service had intended to keep the neutering policy secret for a time to protect its perceived virility, but word of the new edict, devised to abate agents’ uncontrollable libido, prematurely leaked into the public sphere.

Such was the manner in which internal revelations of a Colombian prostitution scandal and the recent accusation that two supervisors sent sexually explicit emails to a female subordinate made headlines.

The prostitution incident led the agency to ban the consumption of alcohol in the 10 hours preceding work and limiting consumption to “moderate amounts” while officers are off duty.

“These precautions clearly did not go far enough,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, “which is why the president requested a thorough review of the agency’s male-dominated culture and authorized the voluntary sterilization of agents wishing to remain on the presidential security detail.”

The release of an inspector general report is imminent, while the two agents embroiled in the latest affair have been cut from Obama’s detail after declining to be cut elsewhere.

“Periodically we have isolated incidents of misconduct, just like every organization does,” Secret Service spokesman Ed Donovan said in response to press inquiries. Regardless, Donovan said the agency, “always maintained that the Secret Service has a professional and dedicated workforce.”

“Now with eunuchs manning the new presidential security detail,” continued Donovan, “we’re bound to see the same level of commitment with fewer distractions.”

Still, critics worry that the weight gain that usually accompanies castration could harm the physical readiness of the agents.

Julia Pierson, the service’s first female director, who was installed after the initial bombshell, dismissed this worry. Said Pierson, “Since that the detail once again can be trusted around women, the First Lady will personally oversee their diet and exercise regime.”

If she can get the president to quit smoking, Michelle [Obama] can keep this bunch in line, should they ever find themselves in the line of fire.”