Secret Service Agents Busted Drinking on Duty; Assigned to Joe Biden’s Detail as Punishment

AMSTERDAM — Three Secret Service agents assigned to President Obama’s guard detail were caught drinking on duty, hours before the President was to arrive in Amsterdam, it was revealed Tuesday. According to a Secret Service spokesperson, the agents in question will face the stiffest punishment the agency can employ—assignment to Joe Biden’s security detail.

According to reports, early Sunday an agent was found passed out in a hallway of the hotel where the Secret Service was headquartered in advance of the presidential visit. It was later discovered that the agent in question and two others had been drinking late into the night. Secret Service personnel on official trips are prohibited from consuming alcohol 10 hours prior to the start of their shift. The agents were immediately returned to the U.S. and informed that they would be guarding the Vice President for the foreseeable future.

“Getting assigned to guard the Vice President has long been considered the most demeaning job we can offer to our agents,” Secret Service press officer Ronald McGuire told reporters. “Nobody wants that job. We usually reserve it for rookies and agents guilty of dereliction of duty. But given that the current Vice President is Joe Biden, it’s just adding insult to injury.”

Secret Service insiders have spoken to reporters on condition of anonymity, with many claiming not a single agent has lasted more than five months while assigned to guard the Vice President.

“It’s understood if you get assigned to Biden, they’re trying to push you out and don’t want to have to pay a severance,” said one 20-year veteran, noting that “[Biden’s] endless stories about being a teenager in the 1950s” were enough to drive the hardened professionals insane. “It works every time.”

“Half of the agents assigned to protect Obama during the 2008 [Presidential] campaign voted for McCain solely so they wouldn’t have to be near Biden ever again. And you can bet that in 2012, that number soared to 100%,” another agent claimed.

“He is truly a nightmare to be around,” the agent added.

In addition to the Vice President’s incessant monologues, excessively vulgar language, unexplained collection of women’s underwear, penchant for spontaneous road trips, and persistent refusal to wear clothes after sundown, the agents repeatedly asserted that Biden’s constant self-aggrandizement was by far the worst part of the job. On multiple occasions, it is claimed, Biden insisted that it was he, and not President Obama, who authorized the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, and claimed that he himself was present on the ground to make sure the operation ran smoothly

“The Veep barely knows where Pakistan is, and got five student draft deferments during the Vietnam War, and he still says, ‘I tell ya, if those SEALs had been a little slower, I would’ve snapped that punk’s neck myself,’” one agent recalled.

“I don’t even think he’s a pathological liar; he might actually be that delusional. I guess we could put up with it, all of it, if he was actually an important person doing important things. He’s just the Vice President. He’s the least-important person in the federal government.”

At press, reports were unconfirmed that two of the three agents in question had already resigned rather than face the prospect of guarding the Vice President.