WASHINGTON – The United States of America came to an abrupt end Tuesday afternoon, as Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.) took to the Senate floor to deliver a speech entirely in Spanish. The 232-year-old nation ceased to exist as its founding documents self-destructed, its most cherished monuments crumbled, and its political system instantly morphed into totalitarian communism.
“I’m so sorry for what I’ve done,” said a distraught Sen. Kaine, after realizing that by uttering words in Spanish on the Senate floor he had unwittingly cast a magical spell that blackened the core of America. “I just wanted to be welcoming and inclusive,” Sen. Kaine—who learned to speak Spanish while living in Honduras—said. “I should have listened to Rush [Limbaugh]!”
Officials at the National Archives reported that, at the moment Sen. Kaine began his speech, the original copy of the Constitution of the United States of America spontaneously combusted, leaving only a pile of ashy, broken Freedom in its place. Witnesses say that the nation’s grandest symbols—including the Statue of Liberty and the Lincoln Memorial—came tumbling to the ground as soon as Sen. Kaine betrayed his country by saying some words in a language other than English, which America inherited from the United Kingdom.
Sen. Kaine’s speech—which pledged his support for a bipartisan immigration reform bill now before the Senate, and hoped that America would become a “country of laws, but also of justice and equality”—also ushered in a thousand-year reign of brutal communism—a natural byproduct, along with homicide, of speaking Spanish publicly, according to prominent Tea Party leader Larry Korkmas.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney responded to the end of America by admitting that President Obama knowingly encouraged Sen. Kaine to deliver his speech in Spanish.
“Welp—there’s no use hiding our plot now,” Carney said amidst the smoldering ruins of the once-sacrosanct White House. “This is exactly what we’ve been planning all along. Now that we’ve managed to destroy America as we know it, the time has come to begin the War on White People. And what a war it will be—wait to you see our all-gay, all-minority, latte-sipping Army.”