Sen. McCain Hospitalized with Excitement over Imminent Syria Strike

PHOENIX – Senator John McCain (R-Ariz.) was rushed to a Phoenix emergency room early this evening, according to his spokesman. Doctors say that Sen. McCain became “extremely excited” and collapsed in his kitchen after hearing that the United States will likely launch a military strike against the Syrian government in the coming days, a scenario that would “be like the wettest dream ever” for the aging senator.

Dr. Daniel Sacks of St. Luke’s Medical Center in Phoenix says that Senator McCain—who has been calling for US military intervention in the Syrian civil war for several months—became “overly stimulated” upon learning that President Obama is contemplating a strike against Syrian dictator Bashir al-Assad’s forces in retaliation for his alleged use of chemical weapons on his own citizens. “It seems Senator McCain had been jonesing for another war for some time,” Sacks said. “When heard he might get what he’s been dreaming of, the excitement was just too much for his frail, decrepit body to handle.”

Sen. McCain reportedly became dizzy and quickly collapsed, landing on his kitchen floor.

“It was like those people who win the lottery and get so freakin’ excited their heart explodes,” said one of McCain’s aides who witnessed the episode. “He’s lying there, moments from death, but can’t stop grinning and mumbling something about ‘Damn you Assad.’”

While Senator McCain is currently in stable condition, Sacks warned that the effects of the strike, should it occur, would have unpredictable health consequences for the 76-year old senator.

“Right now, we just have to wait and see,” Sacks said.

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military is prepared to launch a military strike in Syria, and is awaiting orders from President Obama. White House officials say that the strike will most likely involve sea-launched cruise missiles or long-range bombers, and will target military sites “not directly related to Syria’s alleged chemical-weapons arsenal.” Sources also indicate that the strike will likely last no more than two days. Dr. Sacks hopes that, for Senator McCain’s sake, the strike doesn’t lead to a prolonged conflict.

“If this thing turns into all-out war, Senator McCain’s probably not going to make it,” Sacks warned. “His body just can’t handle that kind of elation anymore.”