BATON ROUGE, La. — Sen. David Vitter kicked off his bid to claim the governor’s mansion of the Bayou State with a spunky campaign promise. Vitter vowed to bring in tourists and generate new tax revenue for Louisiana—all by legalizing prostitution
“I believe that as our next governor,” Vitter announced in a web video laced with sexual innuendo, “I can have a bigger impact addressing the unique challenges and opportunities we face in Louisiana, helping us truly reach our full potential.”
The sitting senator promised constituents that he would “walk the streets from Monroe to New Orleans to spread [his] love for the state and deep desire to see prostitution legalized.”
“Vitter unquestionably has a lot of love to give,” said noted political historian Duncan Ruston. Vitter’s 2003 bid for governor ended prematurely after the Louisiana Weekly laid bare his visit with a prostitute. But Vitter rebounded quickly and won a senate seat a year later.
“It only makes sense that he’d exploit his most prominent asset—name recognition that came out of repeated prostitution scandals,” Ruston suggested.
To fund his latest run for office, Vitter immediately began reaching out to his wealthy associates, including the so-called “D.C. Madam” whose phone records exposed Vitter’s patronage of her Washington-based prostitution service—allegedly in diapers—back in 2007.
In an email to potential donors like her, Vitter proclaimed, “Louisiana has been pounded over and over by hurricanes, violent crimes, and bum luck—but it doesn’t have to be this way. Louisiana’s quick turnaround begins with you!”
By taxing and regulating prostitution, Vitter suggested that the state could begin to “dig its way out of a deep fiscal crevasse by simply putting Louisiana’s mouth where the money is.”
And he claims to know exactly where to find the necessary prostitutes to do so. Louisiana is the only state that requires convicted prostitutes to register as sex offenders for their “crime against nature by solicitation.”
Said Vitter, “It’s as simple as whipping out the registry and asking those listed to climb aboard Vitter’s 2015 campaign for small change.”
Nursing a bucket of steaming hot crabs at a local seafood restaurant, Vitter promised that, were he elected to replace the term-limited Bobby Jindal, he would convert the governor’s mansion into a “classy” brothel worthy of his good name.