The sponsor of a recently passed Utah resolution declaring that “pornography is creating a public health crisis” appeared on the Family Research Council’s “Washington Watch” program recently to defend the measure and allege that the availability of pornography is violating his “First Amendment right to not view it.” State Sen. Todd Weiler, a Republican, urged libraries and McDonald’s restaurants with Wi-Fi to block pornography websites, claiming that he has heard that children go to McDonald’s to view pornographic websites.

“I mean, what the hell kind of strategy is that?!” Weiler almost shouted at Tony Perkins, the president of the Family Research Council and the host of the program. “I mean, there’s never a dull moment with that McDonald’s, is there? Every now and then, something happens that reveals something bad or illegal that that franchise is doing. I’m starting to doubt that we are ever going to have a situation where the darn thing is praised without being criticized immediately after.”

Weiler continued, “It’s not enough they’ve single-handedly caused millions of people to become obese and die of heart diseases, but now they are actively looking for other ways of corrupting American youth. Anything for profits, right? And that even includes offering free Wi-Fi to encourage more and more kids to come in and watch free porn, and we all know what that leads to. There’s nothing like a good, tasty meal after watching some hot n’ heavy porn action. And where are those kids going to get their meals? Well, they’re most certainly not going to go back home. They’ll just order a Big Mac and stuff their faces in it. And voila – that’s how you boost sales.”

“And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the entrepreneurial spirit,” Weiler added. “I mean, you’ve gotta congratulate McDonald’s, they’re reaping millions in profit every day, and most importantly, they’re paying their taxes, unlike Apple and other giants. But come on people, you’ve gotta be careful. The rule is, you only milk the cow, you don’t kill it. What are you going to do when you kill everybody who’s every walked into a McDonald’s restaurant? That’s right – you’re going to go out of business. So, I’m not saying stop it, I’m just saying, you know, take it down a notch. And you could start by losing the free Wi-Fi. Either that, or try hiring Jamie Oliver as your lead chef. ‘Cause I’m not seeing any other options for you guys right now.”