WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced today that due to the across-the-board budget cuts of the Sequester, the Department of Transportation would be eliminating any and all funding for neighborhood traffic lights as of Midnight tonight.
“There was a lot of internal discussion over where we were going to find the savings required by the Sequestration,” explained LaHood. “Just when it looked like the only solution was to return to horse-based transportation, [Undersecretary for Policy] Polly [Trottenberg] tossed out the idea of just ditching the traffic lights. She really saved the day.”
“I could see where the conversation was going, and I had to do something,” said Trottenberg. “Everyone was getting behind the horse and buggy thing, saying how it would get us off our oil addiction and be great for the environment and all that. But all I could think of was all the horse shit that’d be lying around.”
David Strickland, Administrator for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, said the new policy probably wouldn’t jeopardize the lives of too many Americans. “It may take a few days for people to get used to not having any traffic lights, but a month from now I guarantee you won’t even know they’re gone,” he said. “Until then just, you know, keep an eye out at those busy intersections.”
The oncoming gutting of America’s traffic lights has already made an impact with the nation’s traffic light manufacturers. “This is rough, no doubt about it,” said Thomas C. Walker, co-owner of Walker Brothers Inc. which specializes in the manufacturing, distributing, and servicing of traffic control equipment. “I’ve already laid off three good people over this, and I’ve got two more pink slips to hand out next week. I hope those folks in Washington know what they’re doing with this sequester business. Can you remind me again why we’re doing it?”
Future cost-saving moves for the Department of Transportation include filling potholes with whatever trash can be found lying around in the street, replacing school crossing guards with signs asking motorists to use the honor system at crosswalks, and melting down the nation’s stockpile of orange traffic cones to save on storage space.