Sexy NYT Best Sellers Save Parents from Having to Give “The Talk”

NEW YORK — With easy-to-read novels like the “Fifty Shades” series topping the charts of best selling lists everywhere, parents around the country are heaving sighs of relief. Popular books with rudimentary grammar, simple clauses, and crazy sexy subject matter are perfect, moms say, for handling the awkward task of informing curious minors of how babies are made. Other New York Times Best Sellers such as “Bared to You” and “Reflected in You” by Sylvia Day include intensely erotic imagery, conveniently written at a fourth grade reading level.

“I can’t tell you what a load off these trendy books are,” says homemaker Bertha Mills. “Such explicit sexual detail with so little substance! My little girl will finish them in no time.” Mills told Newslo that she had been dreading the day when she’d have to buy one of those god-awful pamphlets and avoid eye contact while thrusting it into her poor daughter’s hands. Now Mills says that worry is a thing of the past. Parents no longer have to traumatize their kids the way they were traumatized by their parents. “We’re breaking the horrible cycle of ‘the birds and the bees,’” Mills says.

In the past parental groups have condemned teen romance literature, particularly the Twilight series, for its mature themes. These groups are outraged that our nation’s young people are devouring reading material in which in the sensual undertones just aren’t overt enough.

“How am I going to get my son interested in reading if there are no deviant sex acts anywhere in the book?” asks Joseph Appleton, father of two. “I’m just grateful that writers are taking parents’ needs into consideration, and from the Best Seller’s List, it’s clear to everyone that this new system is working! No more sexless, puritan books like “The Hunger Games” for our children.”

Mothers are particularly thrilled with the fact that youngsters are no longer engrossed in series like “Harry Potter,” which is seriously for prudes, because they can now share their interests with their offspring. “God, I just love that Christian Grey,” Mills says. “And my little nine-year-old is learning so much from him. It’s tough to connect with your kids these days, you know?”

The future is looking bright for the next generation, all due to improved child sex education via lascivious literature with sophomoric syntax. Appleton predicts that these beloved stories will eventually lose all semblance of plot-like structures and coherent grammar. “And then my grandkids won’t have to worry about silly articles and modifiers, or those feckless subject-verb agreements.” In fact, literary analysts predict that in five years, there will be virtually no difference between child and adult fiction, and that the New York Times Best Seller List will consist exclusively of straight up, hardcore porn.