Dear Friends,

On Thursday Chuck Hagel appeared before the Senate Armed Services Committee. He appears to have survived it—despite a much-deserved thrashing from the definitely not senile, uber-patriot John McCain—and is one step closer to becoming the next Secretary of Defense.

This fact should make Americans pee in their pants a little. And not from excitement. This is fear-pee I’m talking about—that warm, wet feeling that warns of Immediate Danger Ahead.

Here is why: Chuck Hagel is a loser. Not the kind of loser who seems to so insistently beg for swirlies that even his grandmother can’t resist dunking his head in a john (well, he is that kind of loser, but that’s beside the point). Chuck Hagel is the more literal and insidious kind of loser—the kind whose very presence dooms even the most destined of ventures.

To wit: The former Senator served in Vietnam—honorably, according to the lame stream media. You might think that we should therefore lavish him with praise, and declare him an unequivocal winner.

But think again: Didn’t we lose that war? Are we really supposed to believe that we just happened to fail miserably in that noble campaign, wasting tens of thousands of lives, billions of dollars and more than a decade? I think not. It’s easy enough to put two and two together.

Chuck Hagel served in Vietnam. In Vietnam, America—the most badass country ever conceived by God—got spanked like Nuwanda in Dead Poet’s Society. Q.E.D.

Let me address Mr. Hagel directly: The burden is on you, sir, to prove to the American public that you did not single-handedly lose the Vietnam War, and that your leadership at the Department of Defense would not turn America into the Screech of the world, surrounded by packs of spit-ball shooting, time-stopping Zack Morrises.

Any Senator who votes for the confirmation of Chuck Hagel is voting for perpetual defeat. They’re voting for the triumph of pussies over patriots. They’re voting to make us all a bunch losers.

Sincerely,

Sheldon Adelson