Shep Smith Promoted at Fox for Irreparably Breaking News

NEW YORK — Fox News’s Shepard Smith has anchored the network’s signature evening newscast, the “Fox Report,” since 1999. According to a leaked memo, Smith’s “unparalleled ability to misread, exaggerate, and otherwise fabricate the news with a combination of folksiness and manufactured gravitas” has drawn the attention of nearly 2 million viewers a night and earned him a promotion at the network, according to a leaked memo.

When Smith returns from medical leave following surgery to repair a torn shoulder labrum, he will find himself not behind the anchor desk of what used to be his primetime newscast but in a newly constructed studio, called the “Fox News Deck.”

From there, Smith will be able to break into any program to report on new developments sourced from social media. 

“It’s the most exciting venture of my career. My team and I are pumped, and I hope you’ll come along for the ride,” announced Smith during what will likely be his last appearance on the “Fox Report.”

The memo, penned by Roger Ailes, president of Fox News Channel, went on to suggest that the rest of the network’s employees “could learn a thing or two from Shep.”

“Somehow he manages to toe the party line without sounding like he’s simply regurgitating my editorial directives or Republican talking points,” wrote Ailes. “As our primary breaking news anchor, Shep will now be able to add that thin veneer of journalism to all of our opinion programming.”

 “From now on, what’s trending on Twitter will dictate what’s reported, not some producer or journalist from the mainstream media,” Ailes added. “The news will be even more fair and balanced than ever.” .

“Sure, we may get a few stories wrong every now and again in the rush to break news,” said Smith, “but that will all be forgotten by the time we interrupt “Hannity” to report on the latest celebrity flameout.” Sean Hannity is widely expected to take over the timeslot now occupied by the “Fox Report.”

Conventional newscasts have kept Smith “bored for a long time,” so he is eager to introduce new features designed to “upset the typical way news is delivered.” For instance, the viewing audience will be encouraged to vote on how a story should end by texting in their preferred multiple-choice response.

As part of his multi-year deal, the breaking news anchor has also agreed to bleach his hair blond. “Some things around Fox News change more slowly than others. But the audience has spoken,” lamented Smith.