NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Subscribe
NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Customer Service
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Sales
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Today's Headlines
  • World

Snowden’s Attempt to Escape Russia Disguised as Gay Olympian Backfires Horribly

  • August 5, 2013
  • News Lo
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

MOSCOW – American whistleblower Edward Snowden was resting comfortably in a Russian hospital room Tuesday after what associates are calling “a harebrained and remarkably ill-informed” attempt at sneaking out of the country where he has been in diplomatic limbo for two months. The plan, in which a “gayed up” Snowden would make his way to Sochi, pretend to inspect Olympic facilities and then eventually fly to a friendly asylum nation, reportedly lasted all of three blocks from the Moscow apartment where he’d been staying.

“Operation: The Gay Escape was an unqualified failure,” Snowden said, his left leg and right arm in traction and his neck and shoulders covered in bruises. “I thought some drag makeup would help cover my famous face, and I figured, as an ‘international athlete,’ I could travel practically anywhere – particularly somewhere with that sweet spot of sunny coastline and no extradition to the U.S.”

Last month Russia passed a law banning “propaganda of nontraditional sexual relations,” which in its application prohibits everything from same-sex public displays of affection to gay pride rallies. Violence against the LGBT community is on the rise in Russia and is getting silent approval from the Kremlin and President Vladimir Putin, leading to outcries from the International Olympic Committee and calls from many to boycott the games.

All of which went unnoticed by Snowden while he was trapped at Moscow’s international airport. A former government contractor, Snowden is on the run from the U.S. after leaking details of the NSA’s secret wire-tapping program. He was recently given permission to stay in Russia for a year.

“Yeah, to stay in Russia, not to gay in Russia,” said attorney Anatoly Kucherena. “I show up for what I think is going to be a morning briefing, and he’s all done up like a Brazilian speed skater, but with glitter and eye shadow and a pink feather boa. I say ‘This is a horrible plan.’ I say ‘Brazilian speed skaters do not dress this way.’ But he doesn’t listen – he’s right out the door. It couldn’t have been five minutes before those street thugs jumped him.”

Snowden, however, hasn’t let the setback get him down. From his hospital bed, he optimistically said he’s “one good disguise away” from “skipping this hellish, homophobic frozen wasteland” and getting back to the Americas.

“Clearly gay was not the way to go,” Snowden said. “What I need to do is dress up like a snooty member of the aristocracy. I’m going to be a wealthy, privileged landowner who clearly expects all his needs to be met and treats most people like servants. No one will question me then, and I’ll ride out of Russia first-class.”

Snowden added: “These people love spoiled, wealthy aristocrats, right?”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • news humor and satire
  • Newslo's satire
  • Sneak out Russia
  • Snowden
  • Snowden Tries to sneak out of Russia
  • Snowden's NSA
Avatar of News Lo
News Lo

Welcome to Newslo! Our team of dedicated authors strives to deliver the latest and most important info on finance while infusing a dose of our own style to give you a unique experience. Whether you're looking for in-depth discussions on investments or solid finance tips, we have something for everyone. Our goal is to deliver you the best possible content. So, keep reading our articles and give us your feedback!

Previous Article
Tanning bed in use
  • NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize:Republican rep.: Obamacare ‘racist’ because white people use tanning beds

  • August 5, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
Next Article
  • US

NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Dead at 64 after Swallowing Lead Bullets

  • August 5, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Navigating the world of finance, one step at a time.

Input your search keywords and press Enter.