Soccer Teams Cut Out Middle Man, Build Thunderdomes

GENEVA – Following weeks of speculation, FIFA President Sepp Blatter today announced that soccer would no longer involve playing actual soccer, unless the ball is the decapitated head of a losing warrior.

Blatter’s announcement comes in the wake of a series of high-profile acts of violence related to the sport, from a soccer fan in England trying to punch a horse, to fans in Greece and Argentina attacking their own players, and Liverpool player Luis Suarez attempting to literally eat an opponent in the middle of a game.

“There comes a point at which you just have to embrace it,” Blatter sighed at a press conference held to introduce the change. “It was inevitable: whenever a soccer ball is around, everyone just wants to beat the crap out of each other. It’s human nature, I guess.”

This is just the latest attempt to incorporate more violence into the game. In the 1987-88 season, Manchester United tried using broadswords, with defender Paul McGrath disemboweling Gordon Durie to prevent the Chelsea striker from beating the offside trap. The experiment came to an abrupt end, however, when children started disemboweling each other in the playground, mimicking their favorite moment from that week’s round of games.

Under the new system, fans will enjoy greater interaction with the players while they’re trying to literally murder the opposing team and its supporters. “Wayne Rooney ignored my tweet to him a few days ago. Looking forward to making him regret ignoring me when my team plays United next week” said Fulham supporter Robert Davidson at the club shop, which now stocks replica Fulham armor among the scarves and tea cups.

Some teams have started using themed weapons and attacks to distinguish themselves, with West Ham using actual hammers, and Manchester United (the Red Devils) adopting pitchforks in their battles. Meanwhile, although Arsenal seems confident this season given their cache of weapons, experts predict they still might struggle with the physical side of the game, especially as players are going to literally get it “up ‘em.”