Source: Trump Would Broaden The New York Times’ Perspective to Include the Batshit-Insane

NEW YORK – According to sources, real estate mogul and reality-TV show host Donald Trump—who is reportedly exploring the possibility of purchasing the New York Times—would make dramatic changes to the famed paper’s editorial ethos. Central to Mr. Trump’s plan is “viewpoint inclusion,” most importantly the “disenfranchised voices of America” and the “totally batshit-insane.”

“Mr. Trump believes the New York Times, being America’s most-read newspaper, needs to include the perspectives of all its readers,” a source said. “That necessarily includes those that endorse views normally ignored by the lame-stream media.”

“For example,” the source continued. “Is the Obama Administration made up entirely of malevolent automatons, manufactured in China and installed by the Bilderbergs to usher in a thousand years of Communist/Islamic darkness? We don’t know, but it’s important to ask these questions.”

Mr. Trump has been one of the most vocal figures in the so-called “Birtherism” movement, which questions the validity of President Obama’s citizenship by asserting that he was actually born in Kenya, rather than Hawaii as his birth records show. Under Trump ownership, the paper would “actively pursue the question of Obama’s Americanness.” In fact, a source said, “the words ‘President Obama’ would never again appear in the paper.” Instead, the “man who currently inhabits the White House would be referred to as ‘B. Hussein Obama, Illegal Alien in Chief.”

Another source said that, if he’s able to buy it, Mr. Trump would take an active role in the paper. “He’s considering actually writing some stuff himself. One idea is a daily advice column, devoted to helping readers with issues like hair-fashion, social manners, and projecting a generally foul and disagreeable aura.”

The Sulzberger family, which currently controls the Times, said in a statement that they’d “rather convert the New York Times Company into a toilet paper manufacturer [than sell the paper to Mr. Trump], since it would amount to the same thing.”