Zimmerman Will Replace Hannity at Fox News

NEW YORK – Sources close to Fox News President Roger Ailes say that a planned rearrangement of the network’s evening lineup will likely result in long-time host Sean Hannity losing his 9 p.m. time slot. Mr. Ailes has reportedly chosen recently acquitted murderer and social pariah George Zimmerman to replace Hannity, a pick that critics are calling “offensive, but not all that surprising.”

“Mr. Ailes thinks Zimmerman is the perfect replacement for Hannity,” one source told Newslo. “He appreciates all of Sean’s hard work over the years, especially his brilliant efforts to push an image of minorities as lazy and thuggish parasites, but Mr. Ailes believes its time to feature an anchor whose actions back up his words.”

“George Zimmerman is that man,” the source said.

Zimmerman—who is believed to be hiding out in Texas since his acquittal in the shooting death of teenager Trayvon Martin—is reportedly “thrilled” to join the Fox News team. “This has been a dream of his since he was a little boy, sitting on his bearskin rug and watching The O’Reilly Report,” Zimmerman’s elder brother, Robert, recalled. “His entire worldview has been shaped by Fox News—so we think it’s only fitting that he finally join their ranks.”

The new 9 p.m. show—Zimmerman’s World—is currently in its production phase, but sources say that the format will follow that of Charlie Rose. “We’re going to focus on in-depth interviews,” a Fox executive producer said. “Watching guests squirm uncomfortably in George’s presence is going to be quality entertainment.”

Sean Hannity was unavailable for comment, but other Fox News anchors expressed approval of the decision to hire Zimmerman. Megyn Kelly—who was rumored to be Hannity’s replacement—said she thinks it’s a “wonderful pick,” and Neil Cavuto says he looks forward to running into Zimmerman in the bathroom, where they can “gossip about which members of the janitorial staff are illegal immigrants.”

Juan Williams—one of the few minority correspondents employed by Fox News—was less enthusiastic about Zimmerman’s hiring, however. Mr. Williams has reportedly burned all of his hoodies, and is telling anyone who’ll listen that he’s “Panamanian, not black.”

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