South Carolina Elects Admitted Adulterer In Effort to Defend Family Values from Liberals

CHARLESTON, S.C. – Voters in South Carolina’s 1^st Congressional District this week took a stand for family values by electing former Republican Governor and admitted adulterer Mark Sanford to the U.S. House of Representatives. Sanford, who famously disappeared for six days in June of 2009 while Governor on what he eventually admitted was a romantic Argentinean tryst with his mistress, received 54 percent of the vote compared to 45 percent for his Democratic opponent Elizabeth Colbert Busch.

“The good people of South Carolina understood that electing that Colbert Busch woman would have been a sin. She is not an honest woman who shares our values of honesty and decency,” said Sanford, who paid a record $70,000 ethics fine to in 2009- the largest in the state’s history- to settle 37 ethics charges stemming from his affair, including using public money to fly for the purposes of committing adultery. “Her values are not South Carolina’s values.”

Sanford thanked the “angels” he met during his campaign and attributed his victory not to the fact that he was running in a deeply Republican district that went 58-40 for Mitt Romney in 2012, but to God. “I just want to acknowledge a God not just of second chances, but of third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth chances,” he said, possibly alluding to the “handful” of other women with whom he admitted to cheating on his now ex-wife over the course of their marriage.

Political analysts agree that Sanford’s win was due primarily to his ability to tie Colbert Busch to leading Democratic figures in Washington, particularly liberal lightning rod Nancy Pelosi. “I’m so thankful we elected someone with integrity like Mark Sanford,” said 79 year-old registered Republican Martha Bushmiller of the disgraced former Governor who lied to his staff and constituents and become a national laughing stock when he attempted to hide his adulterous trip to Argentina by claiming to have been hiking the Appalachian Trail. “If you elect liberals like that Colbert Busch woman, it’s always one scandal after another with those folks. They just don’t have any sense of common decency.”

“This election is all about character, and Mark Sanford is a man of character,” said Sanford voter Mitch Hornburg, referring to the former Governor who abandoned his state for nearly an entire week and couldn’t be reached by family or staff in case of emergency. “The Colbert Busch woman is a Democrat, which tells you all you need to know about her character right there.”

Some pundits wondered if Sanford’s campaign would be damaged by revelations that he was being sued by his ex-wife for violating their 2010 divorce settlement and trespassing on her property. He was scheduled to appear in court just two days after the election, but voters in the District refused to let that sway them, with many pointing out that since the court proceeding was still two days away at the time of the vote, Sanford had to be considered innocent until proven guilty. The day after the election, Sanford settled the lawsuit when he admitted that he was in contempt of the divorce decree on multiple occasions.

“I want to thank the good people of this District for sending me back to Washington,” said Sanford. “They had a choice as to who they wanted represent them on the National stage, and because of the outcome of that choice, when they tell people where they come from the first thing that will come to folks’ minds is a serial adulterer who misused public funds, deserted his post, lied to his constituents, and betrayed the public trust.”