White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said on Monday that one of the Trump administration’s top goals in the Middle East was to “destabilize” Syria. During Monday’s White House press briefing, NBC’s Kristen Welker asked Spicer to clarify the administration position removing Syrian President Bashar-al-Assad from power. “The goal for the United States is twofold,” Spicer explained. “It’s, one, to make sure we destabilize Syria – destabilize the conflict there, reduce the threat of ISIS. But then, secondly, is create the political environment, not just within the Syrian people but I think you can have – work with Russia in particular to make sure that they understand that Syria, backed up by Russia’s own accounting, should be held accountable for the agreements that it’s made with respect to its international agreements on chemical weapons alone.”
“Ultimately,” the press secretary added, “we aim to make Syria a place that’s free of terror, free of human rights violation, a sort of democratic pioneer of the Middle East, if you will. Because, when I say ‘destabilize,’ that’s such a harsh word. It almost sounds as though the best we can do is just waltz in there, guns blazing, Rambo style, wipe everything out and just install a U.S.-controlled government like we normally do in such cases. However, we’ve opted for a different approach this time. President Trump is painfully aware of the fact that most of Europe, as well as large parts of our own country, are overrun with immigrants. He sees Syria as an opportunity to single-handedly fix the refugee problem once and for all, in a way that’s a win-win for everybody involved.”
Asked to elaborate, Spicer argued that the way to achieve that goal is to pour significant funds into “renaming and rebranding Syria” as a place that welcomes all of its war-driven peoples back from exile. “Politically speaking, there’s a certain way to go about it that’s, unfortunately, complicated because you’ve got both Russia and other world powers involved in the issue,” he said. “However, what President Trump does best, as I’m sure many of you know, is he takes fallen, near-ruined businesses and projects and turns them into stellar successes. He has a long history of picking out the winners, and Syria is no different in that regard. Once we’re done with Assad and ISIS in that region, there’s a lot of potential there for entrepreneurs to set foot on fertile grounds for a lot of future business successes. I mean, we’ve got Las Vegas, Asia’s got Macao – why not make Syria the Sin State of the Middle East? The sky is the limit.”
“Of course, that’s just one idea that’s floating around at the moment. Once we get Syria to where Dubai is right now, it’ll be safe for everyone to go back and continue their lives in democracy and peace, free from terror and dictators – at least ones born in their own country. Think of Syria as a project that’s going to change all of the Middle East – the most shining example of globalization to date. As for the name, I’m not sure yet, we’re still thinking about it. But, one thing’s for sure – ‘Syria’ has got to go. We don’t want people associating it with the sins of the past. We want the new name to symbolize success, money, luxury, extravagance, class – not petty ideals like religion, history or, ultimately, humanity. Heck, we might end up naming it ‘Trumpia’ just for kicks,” the press secretary concluded.