States Use Federal Website to Politely Request Permission to Secede from Union

WASHINGTON — A new secession fad has been sweeping the nation, as residents in all fifty U.S. states have now filed proposals to break with the federal government, each utilizing the federally-funded “We the People” online petitioning system. Created by the Obama administration as a way to encourage active participation in the democratic process, the administration promises to formally respond to any petition submitted to “We the People” that receives 25,000 signatures within 30 days.

Over 625,000 lives were lost when the South broke from the North in 1861. This year, the American people chose a different tactic to express their displeasure with November’s election results: they pushed a button asking the president’s permission to let the states free, then whined about it on Facebook for a few hours.

Noted Civil War historian Lauretta Wright explains that the Great Pouting Act of 2012 is basically “the secession equivalent of asking to be excused from the dinner table,” she said.

While many like Wright doubt the force such pleas will have on the Obama administration, secessionists remain optimistic. “The South shall rise again,” promised Alabama resident Cooper Digby. “If Obama lets us, of course.”