Study Concludes U.S. Engaged in Torture, Pugs Adorable, Rain Wet

WASHINGTON — A nonpartisan study by The Constitution Project, a nonpartisan think tank in Washington, has concluded that following the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, the United States practiced torture. The study also found that the breed of dog known as the pug is ridiculously cute, that most children prefer the taste of chocolate to cauliflower, and that the Sun rises in the east.

On the topic of the pug’s cuteness, the report stated, “Due to their perceived ‘ugliness,’ their scrunched up faces, their tiny yet linebacker-like stoutness, and yes, even the way they grunt when out of breath, pugs are flat-out precious.” The report then lamented that not enough owners dressed their pugs in adorable outfits.

The 577-page study goes on to reveal that the CIA “waterboarded” prisoners, put them in “stress positions” for hours using chains, stripped them naked and caused them to go without sleep for consecutive days. Toward the end of the study, the fact that rain is wet is also unequivocally proven.

The report affirms that these acts of torture could resume with little notice and thus asks politicians to “acknowledge that the authorization and practice of torture and cruelty after September 11 was a grave error, and take the steps necessary to ensure that it cannot be repeated.” Moreover, the panel discovered that if you eat ice cream too fast, you’ll get, like, a really bad headache.

“Or really any cold treat,” said former Democratic Representative from Oklahoma James R. Jones, a co-chair of the report. “I fought tooth and nail to get that in there. When eaten too fast, slushies or sherbet can be just as dangerous as ice cream.”