Study: GOP Senators Literally Drunk on Filibuster

WASHINGTON – According to a new study, Republican senators are now literally, physiologically drunk on power after years of using the so-called filibuster rule to block votes on bills they do not support. Filibustering—which prevents a vote from occurring by exploiting the Senatorial rule allowing lawmakers unlimited speaking time—has been used with unprecedented frequency in recent years, and GOP senators are now “freakin’ hammered” on the power it affords their minority-positioned party.

Dr. James Kline, an author of the study, told Newslo that the finding helps explain why use of the filibuster has increased exponentially since 2008, creating a situation in which any bill effectively requires 60 votes (the number needed to end debate) in order to pass. “You know how sometimes you nurse your first few beers, but then, like five or six deep, you start bonging them? Well, this is a similar phenomenon. These guys are plastered, and their inhibitions are gone.”

“Look at the Hagel situation,” Dr. Kline added. “The appointment of a Defense Secretary had never been blocked via filibuster until now—essentially, they’re so wasted they don’t know what they’re doing anymore.”

The finding also explains the strange behavior exhibited by some GOP senators in recent years. A senate staffer said they can often be found “stumbling over chairs, slurring their words during floor debates, passing out during committee meetings and, on occasion, peeing in their pants.”

Bob Corker (R-TN) said using the filibuster makes him feel “close to the way chugging a bottle of Tennessee’s own Jack Daniel’s does. Which is to say, pretty freaking awesome.”

“Used to be, we actually had to have a majority of votes in order to stop legislation,” Senator Corker said. “Well, as my momma used to say, if you can’t beat ‘them, jam up the democratic process through arcane parliamentary rules!” Through fit a pink-faced laughter, Senator Corker explained that not having to continuously speak in order to delay a vote made “the whole thing even more kick-ass.” Indeed, the threat alone of filibuster is now sufficient to block votes in most cases.

Dr. Kline said his study—which evaluated senators’ physiology, including intoxication levels—found that the average Republican senator now has a blood-filibuster-content of 4.9, “enough to kill a normal human being. But for experienced filibusterers like the members of the modern GOP, that’s still pretty goddamn loaded. These guys should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car—or on the floor of the Senate, for that matter. Someone’s going to get hurt.”