Study: Suicidal Teens More Likely to Do Wacko Tricks, Get Concussions

TORONTO — A recent study by St. Michael’s Hospital found that teenagers who have suffered a concussion are at a significantly higher risk of attempting suicide.

Doctors believe that this is because teenagers do crazy things, oftentimes without a helmet.

Saul Marshberg, a doctoral researcher at St. Michael’s, explained. “Teenagers typically suffer concussions when a suicide attempt fails. Teenagers are more likely to commit suicide after a concussion because, when they are still alive, they are guaranteed to try some daredevil stunt again.”

Marshberg played a YouTube video to stress his theory. It showed a teenager attempting to jump over a burning trashcan with a motorcycle. The 50-second clip concludes with the boy clearing the trashcan but landing face first into a cactus. Added Marshberg, “This is suicidal behavior. And now he has a concussion.”

The online video demonstration lasted another 40 minutes, with Marshberg showing clips of teens crowd surfing, kneeboarding, kissing, catching Frisbees, exercising, doing community service, hanging themselves, sculpting, as well as playing water polo and croquet.

Said Marshberg, “I think these videos show that teenagers still have something to die for. Older adults have just given up.”

Enid Knoplemocker, whose grandson, J.J., was part of the study, commented, “Suicide doesn’t run in our family. Then again, J.J. was adopted.”

The study had additional evidence suggesting that teens with concussions were more likely to become bullies, suffer from depression and anxiety, use alcohol and marijuana, and score exactly 720 on the SAT math section.