Suicidal Americans Glad ‘Death Panels’ Finally Open for Business

WASHINGTON — While the rest of the country remains divided over President Obama’s Affordable Care Act and the government shutdown prompted by its implementation, 87-year-old grandmother Florence Little is one of many suicidal Americans who are thrilled that Obamacare’s “death panels” are finally open for business.

“I have a little shutdown of my own planned,” said Little, who claims she’s been trying to convince her four children and nine grandchildren to let her die “since after the first season of Dancing With the Stars ended” in 2005.

Little recalled the first time she had hope of dying was in 2009, “when Sarah Palin announced that Obamacare would allow doctors to decide whether old folks like me should live based on our productivity in society. That’s when I decided I would be an unproductive grandma and just wait it out.”

When the health care exchange opened at midnight on Tuesday, October 1, Little signed up for her first—and hopefully last—death panel. Although she admitted that the process could take months, Little is confident that she meets the requirements to have her life terminated by Obamacare.

Little is not the only one anxious to be buried by the new health care laws. The US Department of Health and Human Services reported that five percent of the 8.6 million Americans to visit the new HealthCare.gov website last week sought more information about death panels.

One of those visitors was Ryan Rupe, a 16-year-old New Jersey high school student who is scheduled to undergo another round of emergency treatment for non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which his parents say could save his life. But Rupe said he is “fed up with practically living in hospitals,” and hopes that a death panel will deny him treatment.

“My mom and dad just don’t understand. They hate the [Affordable Care Act] because they’re afraid Obama’s doctors will tell me I’m not worth the treatment, but it shouldn’t be up to them. I want to cash in my Make-a-Wish wish and then knock the f–k out, like, forever.”

Rupe’s mother, Shauna, said that she’s aware of her son’s feelings and hopes that Democrats will “cave in and give up on Obamacare” before Ryan faces a death panel.

“We knew this day would come. We’ve prepared ourselves for it ever since Michelle Bachmann exposed the president’s plan to murder innocent children like Ryan. All we can do is hope his death panel doctors think he’s worthy of treatment.”