Suicide Bombers-in-Training Give Instructor Low Marks on RateMyProfessors.com

BAGHDAD — The course on suicide bombing was supposed to be an easy ‘A’ for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria’s class of 2014. Instead, the instructor bombed his students so badly that many will not be walking in graduation—or at all.

Other aspiring suicide bombers have taken note of the instructor’s harsh treatment and intend to hurt his once sterling reputation as a prolific recruiter, according to an Iraqi Army officer with knowledge of the professor’s disgraceful new reviews on the website RateMyProfessors.com.

The militant commander, better known as Professor X, accidentally blew up himself and 21 of his students while demonstrating proper use of an explosive-laden suicide belt. At least 15 others were injured in the explosion at the secluded training camp north of Baghdad.

“Professor X promised no homework and no pop quizzes. Now many of my classmates will be going home in body bags without a martyr’s diploma. I can only imagine how disappointed their parents will be,” wrote one of the eight militants arrested after trying to escape in the explosion’s aftermath. “Avoid this class at all costs!”

“The tests are killer,” wrote one of the 15 injured, “and the professor completely ignores the women in the class. He never called on them once.”

Al Qaeda, which has ranked jihadist training camps since US News and World Report stopped doing so in 2010, recently disavowed ISIS. The leadership blamed the group for infighting, senseless attacks on innocent civilians, and going outside of the established administration.

Al Qaeda’s Vice Provost for Terrorist Affairs said the administration would be conducting a “thorough investigation of Professor X’s behavior in the classroom and make a determination as to whether he will be admitted into heaven or buried in the teachers’ lounge with the other martyrs.”

The U.S. State Department reports that suicide attacks in Iraq have increased dramatically over the past year. While only three were reported in November 2012, they counted 50 this past November.

“The suicide bomber phenomenon, it is complete insanity,” said Brett McGurk, a senior State Department official. “Even by the standards of stereotypical ‘nutty, absentminded professors,’ Professor X is in a class of his own.”

The registrar’s office declined to say whether the course would be offered next semester, saying that they were preparing to close for spring break.