BOSTON – For hundreds of years, adulterous residents of New Hampshire have lived in fear. In 1791, adulterers in the Granite State could be whipped, thrown in prison, or put on public display in the gallows. While this stance has softened in modern times as divorce rates have risen, the most recent law classified adultery as a class B misdemeanor that commanded a $1,200 dollar fine, though it was rarely enforced.
That all came to an end on Thursday, as New Hampshire legislators voted to end the dated law. The ruling is a breath of fresh air for John Valletta, CEO of Super 8 Motels, who thinks the repeal of the law could lead to a new “golden age” for the motel industry—and he wants to be in on the ground floor.
“In the past, people were fine using motels,” said Valletta while enjoying his continental breakfast. “But eventually, when actual hotel chains started expanding and offering cheaper rates for clean rooms, we were forced to adapt and market to people who don’t value cleanliness—namely prostitutes, drug addicts, and adulterers.”
“The 60’s were great, man,” continued Valletta, “You could give someone a disguising room and nobody knew any better. Then those prissy bastards over at Best Western came into the picture and changed the game.”
Now that the law has been repealed, Valletta is predicting a spike in adultery and has been frantically working to build as many motels as possible throughout New Hampshire.
Valletta reminded travelers that in Massachusetts one can still get thrown in jail for cheating, and it’s still illegal in New York, Vermont, and Rhode Island, as well. Valletta suspects “New Hampshire could be a real hotbed for adultery. The next closest state that allows it is Maine, and who wants to go there?
“Kind of like how Colorado and Washington have seen an influx of marijuana-related tourism, I think we can expect to see the same kind of thing,” said Valletta. “New Hampshire could be an oasis of adultery in northern New England.”
“Pretty soon we’re gonna see them filing in—a bunch of disenfranchised white collar guys from Boston, picking up waitresses from T.G.I. Friday’s for a wild weekend in Nashua while they’re away on a ‘business trip.’ I don’t give a damn, those sleazy jerk-offs have money just the same as everyone else.”