NEW YORK — The Weather Channel has issued a warning for all Americans living along the east coast to prepare for the devastation wrought by Super Rainy Day Mowgli, a class 4 rainy weather system expected to hit the mainland this weekend.
Names are traditionally reserved for storms of great destructive capacity, and The Weather Channel’s decision to name virtually every minor change in the state of the atmosphere indicates that the human race must now prepare for a never-ending series of potentially apocalyptic climactic catastrophes.
“Naming storms makes them easier to follow and prepare for,” said Winter Weather Expert Tom Niziol, adding that the east coast has proven particularly vulnerable after the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. “That’s why we created Winter Storms Athena, Iago, Jove, Virgil Spring, and all the other lovable immediate threats to the well-being of your family.”
While the National Weather Service has been dismissive of the Weather Channel’s naming policy, Niziol believes that it accurately reflects “this unpredictably chaotic season,” and cautions that Super Rainy Day Mowgli will bring gray, cloudy skies, a 100% chance of precipitation, up to 1.5 inches of rainfall, and the probable collapse of society.
The Weather Channel also offered some advice on preparing for Mowgli’s inevitable arrival. These tips include boarding up all windows, duct taping children to the bathtub, staying clear of all hardwood floors, and conserving limited resources by leaving pets and elderly family members behind. The latter may sufficiently appease Mowgli and convince the entity that some crops will be left suitable for harvest.
Survivors of Mowgli’s wrath are reminded to visit The Weather Channel’s website for more information on how to cope with the latest acts of God and to “see friends at risk.” Niziol also suggested that helping The Weather Channel trend on Twitter may incur the mercy of next week’s “Slight Change in Barometric Pressure Lolita” and “Surprisingly Sunny But Not As Warm As It Looks Donathan.”
“Ultimately,” said Niziol, “the most important thing to remember is to open up and embrace the panic.”
