NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Politics

Survey: William Henry Harrison Greatest President Ever

  • February 19, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

BLOOMINGTON, Ind.  – The survey, conducted by the American Historical Review to mark Presidents Day, found that experts on presidential history almost unanimously agree that our greatest commander-in-chief was not Lincoln or Washington, but rather William Henry Harrison (1773-1841), who, because he served only one month in office, “didn’t have time to fuck things up royally, like all those other assholes did.”

“Presidents occasionally do good things for the country,” explained Robert A. Schneider, editor of the AHR. “Lincoln ended slavery; Eisenhower built the highway system. But these accomplishments are rare, and don’t even begin to make up for the typhoons of shit that are most presidential initiatives.” In general, the historians surveyed agreed that many presidents have started off strong, but quickly demonstrated themselves to be “totally incompetent douchebags.”

Enter William Henry Harrison, the ninth man to serve. “Harrison died of pneumonia—which he may have caught during his rainy and cold inauguration—only a month into his term,” Schneider said. “The poor man hadn’t even settled into the White House yet when he croaked, and for this reason, he’s the greatest president ever. He didn’t start any dumb-shit wars, or tank the economy, or bang any interns. He just took office and died—a truly great man.”

“It’s unfortunate that few presidents have modeled their terms after Harrison’s,” Doris Kearns Goodwin, the most prominent of the historians surveyed, commented. “His record is completely clean—pristine, really—because he didn’t do a single thing in office except lie in bed, too sick to work. Just think how much better the country would be today if the other forty-three presidents had had the wisdom to do so little.”

At least some Americans have been swayed by Mrs. Kearns Goodwin’s logic. Recently, a petition to have the presidential faces currently depicted on Mount Rushmore replaced with one giant bust of William Henry Harrison has attracted more than fifty thousand signatures. “We need to honor this man,” reads the petition’s text. “At least he did no harm.”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • How President Harrison died
  • news humor and satire
  • President Harrison
  • President Henry Harrison
  • William Henry Harrison
NewsLo

Previous Article
Pope to Lobby for NAMBLA 1
  • World

Pope to Lobby for NAMBLA

  • February 19, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Unemployed Facing Separation Anxiety from Politicians 2
  • US

Unemployed Facing Separation Anxiety from Politicians

  • February 19, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
fun safety meeting ideas
View Post
  • Politics

Best 4 Fun Safety Meeting Ideas to Engage Everyone on Safety Topics

  • NewsLo
  • March 8, 2020
what do politicians do
View Post
  • Politics

What Do Politicians Do and Where Does Their Money Come From?

  • NewsLo
  • February 29, 2020
ted cruz religion refugees
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ted Cruz News: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”

  • NewsLo
  • August 28, 2017
Taxes in Kansas Republican’s Bill Aims To Ban Women From Wearing Colorful Skirts Because “People Are Genuinely Mistaking Them For Trans-People” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Taxes in Kansas Republican’s Bill Aims To Ban Women From Wearing Colorful Skirts Because “People Are Genuinely Mistaking Them For Trans-People”

  • NewsLo
  • July 15, 2017
Trump Attacks Buzz Aldrin Back: “It Was All Fake News, There’s No Proof That Man Ever Came Close To The Moon” 4
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Trump Attacks Buzz Aldrin Back: “It Was All Fake News, There’s No Proof That Man Ever Came Close To The Moon”

  • NewsLo
  • July 4, 2017
Eric Trump: “Nepotism Is How Americans Repay My Father For The Pro-Bono Work He’s Doing As President” 5
View Post
  • Politics-Feature
  • Politics

Eric Trump: “Nepotism Is How Americans Repay My Father For The Pro-Bono Work He’s Doing As President”

  • NewsLo
  • June 28, 2017
Paul Ryan: “22 Million Americans Choose To Be Poor, So It’s Their Own Problem If They Can’t Afford To Be Healthy” 6
View Post
  • Politics
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • Politics-Feature

Paul Ryan: “22 Million Americans Choose To Be Poor, So It’s Their Own Problem If They Can’t Afford To Be Healthy”

  • NewsLo
  • June 28, 2017
Sheriff Clarke Says He Rescinded His Homeland Security Job “Because I Wouldn’t Be Allowed To Wear My Hat On Duty And I Prefer To Be The New FBI Head Anyway” 7
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Sheriff Clarke Says He Rescinded His Homeland Security Job “Because I Wouldn’t Be Allowed To Wear My Hat On Duty And I Prefer To Be The New FBI Head Anyway”

  • NewsLo
  • June 19, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.