Suspicious Kid Suspiciously Bailed Out

CORNAL COUNTY, Texas — Justin Carter, a terror suspect who has spent the last 5 months and his 19th birthday behind bars following some “terroristic threats” he made on Facebook, was released last Friday after a mysterious anonymous donor posted his $500,000 bail. The donor refused to give his name, and it is as yet unknown whether or not the donor finished the phone call with maniacal laughter and the stroking of a pussycat.

Carter’s case has been a magnet for controversy, as it combines two things the public fears and distrusts most: teenagers and technology. Justin was arrested after a concerned Canadian citizen came across a comment he made on Facebook, during an argument over a video game “League of Legends”:

“I’m f–ked in the head alright, I think Ima SHOOT UP A KINDERGARTEN

Justin immediately followed up the post with words “LOL” and “jk” – a complex code that the investigating officers have been unable to decipher. The large anonymous donation which freed Carter has roused further suspicion, as County prosecutor Jennifer Tharp put it:

“We thought maybe he was just a kid too, but now someone hands over half a million bucks for him, next thing you hear his lawyer, Donald H. Flanary III is representing him for free – what sort of links does the kid have? I just don’t buy that people are this concerned about a teenager, even if he is facing a 10 year sentence.”

The prosecution initially offered Justin a plea deal that would’ve seen him spend 8 years behind bars and really cut back on all the investigating and “police-worky stuff” they had to do. However, in true teenage fashion, he selfishly ignored his elders and refused the deal. He continued his stay behind bars, receiving the full “terrorist” package – complete with numerous concussions and black eyes. Although it isn’t clear whether such abuse is unusual for computer game enthusiasts in prison.

18 at the time of his arrest, it is unlikely that the jury will be made up of Justin’s peers, and will instead probably consist of a bunch of “n00bs” – as feared by the gamer community that has rallied around Justin.

A senior member of the League of Legends forum, Alex the Seeker, said that “No one who hasn’t played for thirty-eight hours straight, while subsisting entirely on soda, should be allowed to pass judgment on Justin. They just don’t know what it’s like.”