DAMASCUS, Syria – President Bashar al-Assad and the rebels fighting to oust him agreed last week to a ceasefire during the Muslim holiday Eid al-Adha, which celebrates the end of the Hajj, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca.
Muslims throughout Syria agreed that it was the decent thing to do to not kill one another in honor of the holiday, but to return to the violence as soon as the holiday was over.
“We felt it was the good Muslim thing to do,” one aide to Assad told Newslo, choosing to remain anonymous. “Sure, our religious beliefs do not condone violence, but we can ignore those tiny details most of the year. Eid al-Adha is important enough for us to finally honor our religion, which is of course one of peace, prosperity, and righteousness, whether or not we keep that in mind 99% of the time.”
The Assad regime, however, did not make good on their promises, and the violence continued through the four-day “truce.”
Now, members of the international political community, such as the U.N. and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, are once again intervening.
“If the holiday wasn’t a big enough incentive, we need to find something more important to the people and government of Syria that can convince them to put aside the bloodshed, if only for a night,” Secretary Clinton said in a press conference yesterday.
New reports claim that Assad and the leading rebels have agreed to another ceasefire this Wednesday and Thursday – when the newest live episodes of Fox’s “The X Factor” will air.
“Oh, we just love it here,” Assad’s aide said. “The end of our pilgrimage, that happens every year. It’s whatever. But Britney Spears, L.A. Reid, and Demi Lovato at the same table? That’s special. It’s something we can really all get behind and, you know, bond over.”
The aide added: “Demi’s manager called us the other day. He said, ‘Syria’s actually the only place in the world that really buys her records, so thanks for the support.’
“She’s really got a big Syrian following.”