Syria Seeks to Compete in Middle Eastern Violence, Launches Public Relations Campaign

DAMASCUS — Taking advantage of the public relations opportunity created by the Hamas-Israel ceasefire, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has launched a campaign to garner international attention towards his murderous campaign against Syrian civilians.

President al-Assad has allocated diplomatic resources to the regime’s public relations department, headed by trusted inner-circle member Fahad al-Diri. According to al-Diri, the Syrian government has killed nearly 40,000 in the sectarian war, making the lack of Western news coverage surprising and even a little bit hurtful.

“I know everyone has pretty much had their fill of heartbreaking violence in the Middle East,” said al-Diri during a televised statement on Sunday, “But I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that Syria is home to some really impressive bloodshed.”

The Head of Syrian Public Relations continued by citing the regime’s grave human rights abuses that border on genocide, saying that “it’s a pretty unique and exciting situation right now.” Children, religious zealots, and innocent spectators are all being massacred among Sunni and Shi’a Muslims alike.

Still, Western mainstream media seem unwilling to call great attention to the developments in Syria, a stance that al-Diri finds troubling.

“When it was Libya, you guys were all about it,” mentioned al-Diri in the middle of his statement, “What gives?”

While many felt that al-Diri’s summary of the conflict, which took the form of a musical puppet show, warranted a larger audience for his televised speech, ratings showed U.S. viewers to be much more invested in football, “Homeland,” and their own toenails, which could probably use a good clipping.